Learning to dance in the rain

March 7, 2011

Pulled apart

Filed under: depression — justjoanie @ 10:51 am

That’s what I feel like right now. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me, and I don’t have any of me left for myself.

With S being pregnant, and needing advice, and her morning sickness being so severe, I have to be there for her.

Her twin sister R is feeling very displaced, and is frustrated every time the baby is mentioned. I guess she feels like since she’s the “good” one that didn’t get pregnant, she should be treated better. Plus she didn’t get into the school that she wanted to go to. She’ll be able to go when she’s 18, but for now, she has to stay at home, and go to her regular high school. She’s so disappointed. I need to be there for her, to help her through her depression over all of this.

Michele still doesn’t have a job, and she’s somewhat upset over that, plus she’s PMS-ing, and really clingy. And on top of that, she has some health issues, so I have to be there for her. I feel like I have to spend all my time when I’m at home with her. I feel bad when I spend too much time playing games on the computer (that’s what I do to relax myself). She makes me feel like I’m neglecting the relationship. She has a piece of me.

My son J, is planning on marrying his girlfriend, and they are talking to me about that. I don’t think they are going to do it for awhile, but I still feel like I need to give them my attention when they want to talk.

Plus I have my parents to deal with. My dad is in bad health, and my mom is just a pain in the butt sometimes. I feel like if I don’t call them and go to their house on a regular basis, that I’m neglecting that relationship. And I don’t want to be that kind of daughter. So they have a piece of me too.

Work is work, and I spend 50 hours a week in the office, plus drive 48 miles each way every day.  And I can’t afford to lose my job, because I’m the only one working, and because my insurance is paying for the baby. So they have a piece of me too.

Plus my friend that’s going through a bad time with her husband, and she needs to talk. She knows I’ve been through the cheating thing with my ex, and she wants my advice. She needs a sounding board that she can vent to. So there goes another piece of me.

I just feel like I don’t have enough of me to go around. Somethings got to give! I feel like I want to go to sleep and wake up when everything ok. Just give me a couple of months.  I just feel like the girl in that picture, and all I want to do is scream…. “EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!”

I would love to have time for myself, that I didn’t have to answer to anyone for what I did or didn’t do. I would love to be able to lay in bed, eat junk food, watch movies or tv, play on the computer, anything that I want, just for a little while, and not feel like I’m neglecting everyone for it.

I feel like I’m being pulled in a hundred different directions. And it’s not only the people in my life. It’s my emotions as well……

In regards to S. I’m so sad for her, because I know how hard the road ahead of her is. I’ve been there, I’ve traveled that path. I WAS a teenage mom. But I’m also excited that I’m going to be a Nani. I’m upset because I know that I’m going to be paying more to help support the family. I’m a bit embarrassed about it with my parents, because I know what their reaction is going to be.

With R, I hurt so bad for her. She is feeling so neglected. She wanted to badly to go to this school, and even more so after she found out about her sister. She could get out of the house and away from the drama. When she’s able to go (when she turns 18), I’m going to miss her so much, but I’m so happy for her at the same time. I want her to do well, but I feel like I’ve let her down as her mother.

And in Michele’s case. I love her to death. And I don’t know what I would do without her, but she has become so clingy lately, that I just want to push her away and tell her to leave me alone for awhile. I can’t take the mood swings. Sometimes her mood makes her quiet, and distant, and I welcome that time, but then I feel guilty about enjoying it. Then I get frustrated when she interrupts me no matter what I’m in the middle of to kiss me, or to talk to me. Then I feel guilty for being frustrated.

I’m pulling myself apart from the inside out. Parts of me want to be excited and happy, and other parts of me want to be left alone so that I can just be depressed and get it over with. Part of me wants to be surrounded by the people close to me, and other parts of me want to be by myself. And I feel so guilty for neglecting each person in my life so that I can take care of one of the other people in my life.

I don’t know how much longer I can be pulled apart before I actually break into little pieces. I know I need help, I know I need to go talk to someone. I’ve got to find the paper where I wrote down the person I can go see. I need to call and make an appointment. I’m just so tired. So, so tired.

February 28, 2011

Just call me Nani

Filed under: babies,depression,grandmother,pregnancy — justjoanie @ 1:54 pm

Yep, my daughter is pregnant. I think I’m holding up alot better than I thought I would. I can feel the depression creeping up, but it’s not taken me over completely. I can’t go into the pit, because I have my daughter to think about. I have to stay strong for her. She had a little “freak-out” when the test was positive. But we sat down together and talked and she seemed to be ok. I’m sure that’s not the only freak-out she’s going to have in the next 9 months.

I’m trying to be proactive and stay on top of everything (including my depression). I’ve talked to my insurance company to find out that yes, she will be covered, and that we have an out of pocket max of $1500. So we won’t have to pay any more than that. Plus there is a great young first time mom’s program they are going to put her into. I think I found a doctor, the only female in our insurance network that practices out of the hospital we want to use. I’m going to try to make an appointment with her.

I also called our EAP program for work, so that I can get into see a coucelor. We have 3 free sessions, then it’s a $15 co-pay after that. I’m going to call about an appointment. I’ve got to stay on top of this. Can’t let myself fall into that pit. I can’t have a full blown episode. I have to reverse this now.

I’ll keep posting about the progression of our lives.

February 25, 2011


Filed under: babies,pregnancy — justjoanie @ 5:24 pm

I really thought things were better, or at least getting better.

I’m still in a deep pit, and I don’t know how to get out.

The latest thing to tie me down…… One of my 17 year old twins, S, may be pregnant. She’s late, and she’ sexually active. Yes, this worries me.

I’ve thought about this alot in my life. What would I do if my young daughter got pregnant, or if my son fathered a child. It’s almost like I have it planned in my head. I was a teenage mother myself. Pregnant at 16 and a mother at 17. So I know what it will be like for her, and that’s what breaks my heart. I find it sad that there is a day care at the middle and high schools. Not for the teachers babies but for the students babies.

I will not raise my grandchild. That baby will be my daughter’s responsiblity as well as her boyfriend’s. They will have to work to support their own child. I will be happy to babysit sometimes for them to get out for an evening, but I will not be a daycare, on an everyday basis, for them to go to work or to school. There is a day care at the school, and they will have work something out for child care while they work.  Maybe they will work opposite shifts so that someone will always be home. They are welcome to live with me, but they will feed, clothe and take care of their own child. If I’m able, I’ll put the baby on my insurance for work, because it wouldn’t cost me any more than what I pay now. My daughter and her boyfriend will cease being kids, and face the struggles of adult and parenthood.

I have raised my kids, I have done my part. My youngest are 17, and in another year or so, will be self sufficient and on their own. I’m not willing to go backwards and start from scratch. Don’t get me wrong, I would love this hypothetical child with all my heart, I will hug, kiss and spoil it rotten like every grandmother should. But I will not raise it, it will not be my responsibility.

When I had a child as a teenager, I took care of my child. My mother was not my day care, she didn’t buy food and diapers for my child, My child was MY responsiblity. Yes, I grew up fast. But truthfully, it’s the only life I’ve known. Maybe that is why I’m so adamant about not being my grandchilds mother. I’m ready to know what it’s like to have a little freedom. I’d like to know what it’s like to not be solely responsible for life and limb. I’d like to be able to say, I’m going away for the weekend, and not have to worry about having minors to tend to.

Does this sound completely horrible? Does this make me a bad mother? Will it make me a bad grandmother?

I will, though, stand by what I say, what I believe in.

I’m doing all this worrying, and I’m not even sure if she is pregnant or not. I’ll find that out hopefully this weekend. We’re going to run the test.

Please, oh, please, let it be negative……..

December 16, 2010


Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 1:54 pm

I’ve decided to just call Michele by her name. Calling her K was making me crazy. So, PC, meet Michele,… Michele, meet PC.

Ok, she’s really not here, but you kinda get the point.

Cruise Memories

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 1:52 pm

Our cruise was AWESOME!

Saturday 11/27

We left home at about 11 am the day before the cruise. I always spend the night at a hotel the night before a cruise. Partly to start my vacation earlier, but also because I’m always worried about not getting to the port on time. What if there is a traffic accident? What if one of the roads is closed and we have to find a different route?

Anyway, we got to the hotel early, and had to wait to check in. So we decided to drive down to the port and look at the ships. You can’t actually go into the port, unless you want to pay a $20 per day fee for parking, so we just drove by it. Michele was mesmerized by the size of the ships. She’s never seen them in person before. I told her….. “You see that building over there? Well, that’s a ship.” She was stunned.

We found a great hotel that allows you to pay for one night, then park your car there for the duration of the cruise. Thus saving that $20 per day parking fee.  I was so excited when I found this! The hotel was nice, not luxurious, but nice.

Sunday 11/28

We were suppose to take the hotel’s shuttle to the port, and we met out front at about 10:15. There were about 30 people waiting with all of their luggage to get into a couple of vans. Michele and I looked at each other and both said, “Let’s catch a cab.”  We both get claustrophobic, and thought that was a better idea than riding in a small van with alot of other people.

We arrived at the port early, and had to wait for check in. Of course they took all the “priority” customers first. But we did check in and got our cruise cards only to realize that we could have checked in with the priority group because I still have “elite” status from when I had my travel agency. I thought that they had taken that off my number. Oh, well.

We boarded and wandered around the ship and unpacked our clothes before the safety drill. Then were standing at the ship’s railing, Pina Colada in hand for the bon voyage party. As we were leaving port, dancing to the music, we looked over onto the beach that you pass as you leave port, and some kid was standing there mooning us!!! It was so funny! We spent the evening having dinner, and hanging out on deck. We met a really great couple, Will and Dave. They were sitting at one of the only smoking tables on deck. We talked with them for about an hour before finally deciding to go to our room. Thought it was time to leave the deck when it started raining on us. (just a little sprinkle).

Monday 11/29

We woke up as we were pulling into Princess Cays, in the Bahamas. The water was so beautiful. We had priority tender tickets to leave and return to the ship at our own convenience. So we left the ship as soon as they said we could. We had reserved and rented a private cabana on the adult side of the beach for the day. Wow, what an experience. We got off the tender boat, and they took us by golf cart to the private side of the beach. Before we could enter the area where the cabana’s were, we had to show our reservations. Nobody was allowed past that part of the beach if they didn’t have reservations for one of the cabanas. We changed into our swim clothes, and decided to try to go swimming. Michele actually braved the cold water. Me, on the other hand, sat on the beach and watched her freeze! While we were there, we had lunch, and ordered Pina Colada’s in these hollowed out coconuts that were cut and shaped to look like monkey heads. Of course we took them home with us.

It was here at the beach that Michele and I decided to make a “commitment” with each other. We’ve decided to officially be in a committed relationship. It was really romantic there on the beach.

Tuesday 11/30

Our first sea day. I love sea days they are my favorite. I woke up early, and called down for a pot of coffee. I sat there on the balcony watching the sun rise with my coffee in hand. It was so peaceful. After a little while, Michele woke up, and came onto the balcony with me. She looked a little funny. She looked at me and said, “I don’t think I feel very well.” Followed immediately by her slapping her hand across her mouth and running for the bathroom. She was sea sick. So most of the day was spent in the cabin with her passed out on Dramamine. I went down to one of the shops and picked up the sea sick arm bands. They press on a pressure point in your wrist that is suppose to help with the sea sickness. They did work somewhat. Thank God, because it was formal night, and we had reservations for one of the nice restaurants. We got all dressed up. I had on a little black backless dress and stillettos. She had black pants, a silver shirt and a loose red tie. We looked good (if I do say so myself). Dinner was great at the steak house. We were going to stay on deck and watch a movie, but it started sprinkling, so we just went back to the cabin and had a nice quiet evening together.

Wednesday 12/1

St Maarten. I’ve sailed to St Maarten before, and wasn’t impressed the first time, and was still not impressed the second time. The port always seems to be under some type of construction, so it’s either pay for a water taxi, a road taxi, or take a 30-40 minute walk to get into town. We went to the beach and put our feet in the water (just to say that we did), then went through the shops in town. We bought a few things, then headed back to the ship, and spent some time in the pool and hot tub while everyone else was still in port. The pool deck was nice and quiet. Watched a movie from the pool on the “Movies under the stars” screen. It was great. Finally left port around 6. All in all it was a good day.

Thursday 12/2

St Thomas….. The home to my favorite place in the world, Megen’s Bay. It is rated one of the top 5 beaches in the world. We woke up early, and headed off the ship as soon as they would allow. We caught a taxi and told him to take us straight to Megen’s bay. It’s weird riding around St Thomas. They drive on the opposite side of the street as we do, but yet their steering wheel is still on the same side as ours. We pulled into Megen’s Bay, and after a short dispute with the cab driver over how much we owed, and how he wasn’t suppose to drive that far, we walked onto the most beautiful beach in the world. It took me time to convince her, but finally got Michele to swim with me. Because the waves were rolling a little, it was churning up the sand, and she couldn’t see the bottom, and started to panic a little. She likes to see where she is putting her feet. So we swam for quite awhile, and even when she got out, I stayed in, and swam out deeper. I just love that place. After she finally coaxed me out of the water, we changed into dry clothes, and went to the little tiki beach bar and had an early Pina Colada. Sat there by the beach, and just enjoyed having time together. We headed back to the port and did some quick shopping at the little shops that are there. Then back onto the ship for our second formal night dinner. We went to the regular dining room, and had an amazing meal. Then to the theater to watch a movie. But by that time, we were out into the ocean again, and Michele wasn’t feeling well. So back to the cabin, and she passed out on the dramamine again. I watched tv for a bit, and sat on the balcony some before going to bed myself.

Friday 12/3

Our second sea day. I’ll give you 1 guess what we did for most of the day…… good guess, stayed in the cabin close to the bathroom. Michele was really sick again. I wandered around the ship a little on my own, but really didn’t like being by myself, so I ordered room service for lunch and dinner, and spent most of my time on the balcony watching the beautiful water go by. Still a good day for me.

Saturday 12/4

Grand Turk. I had never been there before, but went online to check it out. Even online they didn’t really do justice to the size of this little island. If you stand on the deck of the ship, you can see the entire island. It’s tiny. When you get off the ship, you walk down the pier, and head straight through this little shop. The out the other side is an entire shopping center. Off to one side is a Margaritaville, complete with a swim up bar! If you go just to the side of that, there is a beautiful beach. Michele actually took advantage of the hot day, and sunshine and went swimming while I went shopping. I had decided to go and find her, when I looked up and she was there, she had come looking for me. She got bored and lonely without me. (ok, all together now… aaawwwwww) There really isn’t all that much to look at on Grand Turk, so we wandered around the little shops together for a few minutes, then went back to the ship. We again took advantage of everyone being in port to make use of the pool and hot tub. So quiet and peaceful. We again went to dinner in the dining room, we found out it was seafood night. We both had lobster. It was really really good. Then onto the pool deck to watch a movie. Dispicable Me. That movie was ssoooo funny!! Of course they had popcorn and ice cream  there for everyone. Gotta love it. When we got back to the cabin, we had to pack everything and have our bags outside our room before we went to bed. So we changed into our robes, and packed everything except the little things we would need the next morning, and the clothes we were going to wear the next day, and put our bags outside our cabin door.

Sunday 12/5

Woke up knowing it was time to go home. We ordered coffee early in the morning and watched the sun rise one more time on our balcony. We cursed the land as we saw it approaching, wishing we could have just one more day. We had to wait until about 9:30 before it was our turn to leave the ship. Of course, then we had to go through the big warehouse of luggage looking for ours. It wasn’t too difficult. Although we have black luggage, I have made the genius move of putting red ribbon with white polka dots on the handles of my luggage to make it easier to spot. We finally retrieved all of our bags, went through customs, and walked out of the port. Michele pretty much had to drag me kicking and screaming, but we found a cab, that took us back to the hotel where our car was safely parked.

It was really a great vacation. I was so afraid that Michele wouldn’t want to cruise again after getting so sick, but all she said is that she loved it, and that next time she was going to the doctor to get some sea sick patches. Hopefully that will help.

I’m planning another cruise for next December, so if any of you are interested, let me know and I’ll get you the information.

November 8, 2010

What a weekend

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 4:40 pm

It’s been quite the weekend!

I’ve waited a long time to get my hair done, over a year actually. My hairdresser sold her business, and I find it very hard to trust anyone with my hair. Finally, K told me to go to her hairdresser. She had to go get her’s cut and re-highlighted. So I said ok, I’ll give her a try. Hoping to have found someone that could take care of mine. OMG! What a disaster. I needed a cut badly, and she did a spectacular job on the cut. Got the layers just right, cut enough of the dead stuff off the ends but didn’t take too much. But when it came to coloring it, she really well… the only word that can be used is…. she f**ked up my hair!! She doesn’t know how to do foil highlights. My hair was YELLOW from top to bottom, and there were big thick horizontal stripes of even YELLOW-ER (if that’s even a word) at the roots all through my hair. I cried. It was actually triggering a big depression. Women would understand this, it’s our HAIR!!! So I cried most of Saturday and some of Sunday. K finally took me to Walmart (because they were one of the only salons open on Sunday) to see if they could fix it. I walked in, and the girls there just looked at me and said “you poor thing” and “a salon did this to you???” They had assumed that I did it to myself, or that I had a friend do it. So Fiona went to work on my hair. There were still bits of bleach on my scalp and my hair had started breaking and/or falling out. When she was finished, it looked so much better. Still not like I normally get it highlighted, but it’s so much better. My hair use to be so soft, like baby hair, but now it course like straw. She said that I’ll have to use a heavy conditioner when I wash it, then before I dry it, I need to put in a good leave-in conditioner, and also use a strengthening conditioner on the ends it from breaking off anymore. I still may lose more of my hair before it’s over. She said that it will take a couple MONTHS of this conditioning to make my hair healthy again. It cost me twice as much to get it fixed as it did to get it done to begin with. I’ve spent, now, this weekend, over $200 on my hair.

So, I spent alot of my weekend upset. But at least the depression episode has lifted. I was so afraid that it would keep going until the cruise. And that’s the last thing I need, to be depressed on the cruise. (20 days and counting!)

October 21, 2010

Homophobic Server

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 9:31 pm

Ok, just got back from dinner just a little bit ago, and our server was completely homophobic! She came to the table to get our drink order, and K and I were holding hands across the table. We gave her our drink order, and at the same time asked her to put in an appetizer order.
She ignored us as she busily cleaned up the tables around us. She eventually brought us our appetizer and promptly walked away. We just sat there wondering if she was going to take our dinner order or not. I finally after about 10 minutes waved down the manager (whom I know from having frequented this particular restaurant for some time) and asked him to let her know that we wanted to order dinner. He took our order, and called her over and had a stern talk with her. I’m quite sure he let her know that she was screwing up a table she didn’t want to screw up, because I’m a long time customer that tips very well. After that she seemed to be all over us, making sure to ask over and over if there was anything else she could get us or do for us. But the whole time it just seemed like she couldn’t stand looking at us.
I will not hide the fact that I’m gay, and I will not hold myself back from holding hands or anything in public. I shouldn’t have to.
This REALLY upset me and K. I have NEVER recieved bad service there. The servers usually fight over who gets my table. I was completely put off.
I will continue to go there because I know the usual people that are there, and I know that this particular young woman will be short lived if she keeps treating people with such prejudice.
I just needed to get this off of my chest.
If anyone is reading this and has gone through prejudicial treatment for any reason, comment or let me know. I just can’t believe that in 2010, we still have to deal with this.

October 19, 2010

It’s just me again

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 1:01 pm

I’m doing good since the rift between K and I. We have decided to be friends, and have even dated some. But we are on  “Keep it Slow” mode. We’ve decided to work on our trust through friendship, and get to know more about each other. It’s actually been interesting learning about her and her childhood and her past relationships. Of course I’ve told her about mine as well. We’ve actually spent quite a bit of time together. She’s really an interesting person. As angry and upset as I was a week ago, I feel like I over-reacted a bit.

I do hope that I can work through my trust issues and be a normal person again. I can’t believe that another person can make you so unsure about yourself. I suppose, though it wasn’t just one person. It was a few people in my life that broke my trust so badly that I have no more to give. I tend to give my trust to people until they do something that breaks it. I suppose that all it takes is a small breech of that trust to ruin it. When I’ve been in a relationship longer (whether friendship of love) it takes a little more to actually break the trust. I suppose that over time it builds.

I also have a theory about lesbians and fast moving relationships. I’ve noticed that I, myself tend to move faster when it comes to feelings in a relationship. But so do many of my friends in the lesbian world. K falls in love very quickly. Her friends even tell her that she is in love with one person on week and with someone else another. I’ve seen it with my cousin, I’ve seen it with friends. And alot of times these relationships are short lived. Not always, mind you, but alot of times.  So I’m trying to break this cycle. I went quickly into this relationship. But now we are slowed down. I don’t know how long I will hold out, but for now, I am. We are going on dates. Getting to know each other. In a little over a month we are going on vacation together. She has always wanted to go on a cruise, so we are going, and I wanted to go to the mountains to see my best friend from high school, so she is going up that way with me too. She has her “mother figure” up there that she wants to see. So it will work out well. Maybe by then (we will have been dating for about 2 months) we will decide to make a commitment together. I don’t know. Maybe we won’t even make it that far as friends or dating.

There is so much in my life I’ve wanted to come in here and write about, but just haven’t really had the time to get in here. My computer at home is on the fritz (still), and work has been a little busier lately. So when I can remember what it is that I wanted to type about I’ll just come back.

October 13, 2010

Here we go (again)

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 7:42 am

My weekend with K was wonderful. A great 3 day weekend with nothing to do but enjoy the time.

Then last night, she dropped a little bombshell on me, and it’s not really anything I think I’m going to just get over. She kept some information from me, and it was really important information. She didn’t give me the chance to make an informed decision about she and I. This will be a constant rift between us. I don’t think I’m going to continue this relationship.

I think it’s a little telling, though, that I’m not really all that sad about it. I’m a little upset that I’m going to have to hurt her, but not upset for myself. I have a great group of PC friends that are always there for me anytime I need to talk or vent. And I have a new group of IRL friends that I’m looking forward to hanging out with on a regular basis.

The only thing that is a little upsetting is that K was the only person that lives anywhere near me that I found on the online dating site. Oh, well, I’m sure that someone will show up someday. Like a friend of mine told me, the love of your life shows up when you’re not looking.

I’m getting a little embarrassed about writing constantly about my “love life”. Especially when it always seems to go bad. But through all of this, I’ve discovered that I’m not the kind of person that does well alone. I like and want to be with someone. I like to know that there is someone that just can’t wait to see me at the end of the day. I like knowing that someone is thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about her.

Someday this person will come along and sweep me off my feet. I’m looking forward to that day.

Stay tuned for the next episode of….. “The Soap Opera That Is My Life”

October 8, 2010

K vs K

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 7:21 am

Well, in reading back through my blog, I realized I named 2 people “K”.  They are definitely 2 different women. The first one ended up being somewhat of a stalker, kinda scary. The new “K” is amazing. No more talking about stalker K, from now on, it’s all about amazing K. (wow, that makes her sound like a superhero)

Things have been going so well since our weekend together. The Kids are getting to know her, and have been trying to accept her. They were so hurt by M disappearing out of their lives, that they are reluctant to accept anyone new.  K has been spending nights at my house, and I have to say, I don’t ever want to sleep alone again. It’s so great to have warm arms wrapped around you making you feel safe and comforted.

I was trying to hold out on telling K that I loved her. I wanted to make sure that this wasn’t just an infatuation or worse yet, a rebound. But then when I stopped to think about it, I don’t want to lose out on the wonderful new in love feeling and knowing that person is feeling the same way. So I told her how I felt. I love learning new things about  her every day, and watching her learn new things about me.

As good as this feels, though, I’m still scared. I suppose it’s to be expected. So afraid of being hurt. I can’t hurt like that again.

I’m suppose to have dinner tonight with her and her friends tonight. Don’t know what to expect with that. I suppose they are just as protective over K as my friends and family are over me. One of my “important” people, my cousin L, approved of her when we were there last weekend. She said she really liked her. She only had one derogatory thing to say, and it’s something very superficial, and it’s going to be fixed soon anyway, but putting that aside, L really liked her.

Have I mentioned that she has absolutely amazingly beautiful blue eyes???

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