Learning to dance in the rain

June 29, 2010

How long will it last?

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 10:15 am

Sometimes I’m such a pessimist.

Things are going so well right now with M and me. But here I am still worried about when it will end. I worry about when she will see me, and that “look” will be on her face that tells me she is doubting again.

So lets just talk about the good today………

She surprised me last night when she came over. She planned to come over early to spend a little more time before work. But when I texted her and asked if she was getting close to leaving her house, she said she was leaving soon. Then she walked through the door about 2 minutes later. It was great!

Lately when I talk to her on the phone, she sounds like she is really happy to talk to me. For awhile, it felt like I was annoying her, or that she was obligated to talk to me. I can’t even explain in words how that has made me feel. 

Even when I can tell she is in pain (I hate that she is hurting so much), she is still happy to be with me. Her facial expressions are about the pain, and not about me so much anymore. I really wish that she could get on pain management. She can’t do that until she has an MRI, and she can’t afford the co-pay for that. Her pain level is so high sometimes. I know she’s joking, but sometimes I think she means it when she tells me to cut her leg off.  I really do hate seeing her in so much pain. Not only the physical pain, but the emotional pain as well. I wish I could just take it all on myself, and just give her a break from it.

This morning, when I looked at my coffee cup, she had written “Love you BooBoo!” That’s her little name for me. I like it. She’s been doing little things like that lately. The cute little things that tell me that she’s with me, and that we are still an us, that she loves me.

Our lives together have been amazing for the past few days. I don’t want to hold my breath and think about it ending. But that’s just the pessimist in me. But I’m going to try to keep breathing and enjoy this time. Deep breaths, happy thoughts.  

June 28, 2010

Vacation

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 11:02 am

Just got back from vacation. Spent a few days in Orlando, and went to Universal to the new Harry Potter park. It was good. There were some disappointments, but overall a good trip.

M wasn’t able to ride all the rides. She keeps telling people “I was too fat to ride.” But the truth is that she is very well endowed, and the restraints couldn’t get past her bust line.

I had a few disappointments, some bigger than others. I was able to keep under control for the most part, but it was hard.

1 – M always sings to me in the car with the radio. She was singing to me, but when it came to certain parts of the song, she got a far away look in her eyes and quit singing. I felt like she couldn’t say those words to me, and I know she was thinking about X.

2 – We all sent postcards from the park to friends and family, and M sent one to X. I understood that, they are both really into Harry Potter, but on the postcard she wrote “love you”. That really hurt.

Those were the two main problems for me. I did pretty well considering I’m in the middle of an episode, and am having a hard time keeping my emotions under control.

But we did have a great time together. M and I and the twins S and B.

M didn’t text, call or talk to X the whole time we were gone. We seemed to grow closer together, and I can’t help but realize that her lack of communication with X has alot to do with it. I don’t think she has talked to her since we got back either. And it really seems like she wants to talk to me all the time, and craves spending time with me. Like she is excited when she knows we are going to be together. We are still practicing abstinence. I’ve reminded her twice now that she has said that she doesn’t want to do that right now. Sometimes I wish I could be sneaky enough not to say anything, and just let things happen. I miss making love with her. But I can’t do that. I won’t be X. I won’t take advantage and manipulate. I told her that I was waiting for her, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Someday she will feel it’s time again. I want her to know that our relationship is about so much more than just sex. I wonder sometimes if that is why she is abstaining.

I can’t wait for her to come home. I miss being with her so much. Sleeping in her arms on vacation was…… a relief. I guess that’s what it felt like. We’ve taken naps together, but actually going to sleep for the night all wrapped up in her was so calming.

I don’t know if she was just saying it just to say it, but she told me that she was going to come home someday, when she is better. That’s the first time she has actually said that. Usually it’s just “that’s what I’m working on” or “I hope so”.

So, although I’m still having an episode at the moment, I’m feeling a little better. I’m trying to drag myself away from the pit before I fall in. I think I’m doing a good job. I’m depressed, but not completely in the pit.

June 18, 2010

Betrayed

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 8:53 am

This is going to be another rant, so please forgive…….

X kissed M yesterday, and she let her, she kissed her back.

I don’t understand. I just don’t get it. 

When she was planning on moving out of our home, she told me she was “resolute” about doing it. She was resolute even though I was in the middle of a depressive episode, and almost had a nervous breakdown. She is resolute that she wants to have the time to figure out her feelings for me and for X. She’s resolute that she won’t make love with me. But she can’t be fucking resolute to do what it takes to get over X and keep her out of our relationship. I told her that she needs to stay away from her completely for at least a month. She needs to show her our ring, and tell her that the kiss will never happen again. She needs to tell her that until she has grieved, she can’t be her friend. She needs to grieve her out of her system, and work on our relationship. Truthfully, she has alot more work to do to make things right than she thinks she does. But when I brought all this up, she didn’t say that it was a good idea, or that she would try it. She just sat there.

Why can’t she love me? Why can’t anyone love me enough to stick around and be faithful? Am I really that bad of a person? I’ve done everything she has asked me to do. Dispite the hurt and the pain, I’ve consented to being with her without her living in our home. I’ve consented to abstinence. I’ve consented with her being friends with X. I’ve consented to not post the picture of our rings (so X wouldn’t be hurt). They why can’t she see that I’m a good person, good enough to give up X for a time to work on us? She says she knows that X is manipulating her. Then why can’t she see that that is what a relationship with her is going to be about? She will be manipulated for their entire relationship. That’s not love. She thinks she still loves her, but I don’t think it’s really love. I think its just that X was her first real love, her first real relationship. And you always wonder and think about that first love relationship. Always wonder “what if”. She doesn’t realize that. X doesn’t love her. She just wants to win. That’s all its about. And she just doesn’t see that. Everything she does involves some manipulation to lure her away from me. Every nice gesture, every melt down, every touch, everything.

I’m so angry!! I just want her to fall off the face of the earth sometimes. I don’t want anything bad to happen, just want her to go away and disappear. Leave us the hell alone! I want M to stand up for US. When she stood up to her about our FB status, and then accepted my commitment ring, I thought we were good. I thought she knew what she wanted. But when I asked her last night who she wanted to be with, she said “I don’t know, and that’s the problem.” WRONG ANSWER!!!!

When I kissed her last night before she went to work, all I could picture was the two of them kissing in the room that we first made love in, and in front of a picture of me and my kids.

God, I miss her so much.

I just want my M back!

June 16, 2010

Freakishly Connected

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 1:52 pm

Have you ever watched the Gilmore Girls? Well, that’s my kids and me. We are freakishly connected. Although I am still their mother, and sometimes I have to pull out the “mom card”, we are all friends. Sometimes I think they know me better than I know myself. We all like most of the same things, the same food, and alot of the same music.

J is 20. He works full time, and is completely in love with T. He had moved out about a year ago, but it didn’t work out. Now he’s back living in his old room at the house. Sometimes he makes me crazy when he knows there is something that needs to be done, and he just ignores it. Like the lawn. The poor dogs go out there with grass up to their bellies. But he and I are really close. He’s actually the one that helped M and I get together.

S is one of my 16 year old twins. She is an angel with attitude. When she is determined to do something, she will push herself til it’s done. She just doesn’t give up. She will graduate high school with 14 college credits. Can’t imagine being that smart.

B is the other twin. She is so layed back like nothing in the world bothers her. But when you finally get her to the breaking point, she’s a fire cracker! Stomping around and slamming doors. She is also the kind hearted one. She can sense my moods, and sometimes she just comes into my room and cuddles with me.

When J was moving out, the girls and I stood on the front steps and sang the Gilmore Girls song. We sing it everytime we watch the show. It’s almost required. But when big things happen in our lives, graduation, moving out, going to camp, we’ll sing it to each other. It’s kinda our thing.

If you’re out on the road,

Feeling lonely and so cold.

All you have to do is call my name

And I’ll be there on the next train.

*Where you lead, I will follow

Anywhere, that you tell me to,

If you need, you need me to be with you

I will follow where you lead.

Abstinence

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 7:45 am

M said I would blog about this. Ok, ok, you were right.

M has decided that she is going to abstain from sex for awhile. I asked why, and all she could say was that she just thought she should. I asked if she thought it would clear her head and she nodded and said “I think so.” I told her that was fine, maybe it would clear my head a bit too. We are sleeping together next week on vacation, but there will be no sex, just sleeping. My twins (S and B) will be in the room. But I still can’t wait to sleep in her arms. I think that’s one of the things I miss the most about not having her there.  I told her when she is ready to make love with me again, I would love to be with her.

We had a really great date last night. I haven’t laughed like that in a long time. We had a great dinner, and watched Hell’s Kitchen. We debated about the people on the show, kissed and played around during the comercials, and just enjoyed each other. I laughed myself into an asthma attack. Too funny.

We had some good conversations. I tried to go by my “new attitude”, and discovered it was really hard. I had to keep stopping myself, and had to apologize for asking questions I probably shouldn’t have. Although she kept telling me it was ok, and just kept talking about things anyway, it still made me feel like I had failed somehow on my resolve. She told me that her friend L said that she shouldn’t contact X. That kind of upset her, because she hasn’t been contacting her. She’s only answered texts that X has initiated. That took me by surprise. Made me feel good, but still took me by surprise.

I do have this little thing in the back of my head. I’m just going to put it down here, maybe it will make me stop thinking about it. It’s been on my mind since right after she left last night…… She told me when she first told me that she was moving out that she would like to see both X and I, but that she wouldn’t sleep with both of us. So this abstinence thing made that conversation pop back into my head. But I suppose since she’s not really communicating with her, that she’s not sleeping with her either. Ok, got that out, now I can stop thinking about it.

I’m still feeling pretty confident in our relationship. Don’t completely understand the abstinence thing, but I’m ok with it. I think it will make that part of our lives even better when we do get it back. She joked with me that I could “get into my ‘toy’ box”. We both laughed about that, and I told her no, that I would wait for her. She said as long as I’m not sleeping with someone else. Trust me…. that’s NEVER going to happen. Funny, writing that just now, and recalling that conversation, makes the paragraph before this just seem stupid! Wow, what a ditz. I didn’t even remember that part of the conversation until I started typing.

I’ll just end this by saying….. I’m actually finding it fun “dating” M again. I miss her when I don’t get to see her, and I can’t wait til she can come back to our home and we can be whole again. But this flirting and dating is actually good.

June 15, 2010

New Attitude

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 2:32 pm

I’ve come to a conclusion: I have no control over what is happening in my life right now, so what is the point of letting it get me so depressed that I stay in bed all the time. What is the point in getting an ulcer because my stomach is always in knots.

When M decided to move out, I was already having a depressive episode. I was already feeling the weight on my back and the cloud in my head. You know, that darkness that just seems to take over, hold you down, and not let go until you’ve cried every tear you possess. I think that’s why I couldn’t handle it. When she said that she was moving out, I felt like someone had not ripped the carpet out from under me, but had ripped out the ground and left me falling into a bottomless pit. I think if she had decided to do this at a different time, I would have taken it alot better.

I’m actually feeling alot better now. I’m not sure exactly what lowered the rope and pulled me from that pit. I don’t know if it’s the love that I feel coming from M, or that fact that she seems excited to see me again (most of the time), or maybe that my hormones just balanced themselves out again. Or if it’s just the fact that I’ve made the decision to have a new attitude. But whatever it is, I’m glad it’s here. I feel like I can breath again. Although I still have a little bit of a cloud, it’s not as dark, and doesn’t seem to be filled with tears.

Here’s my new attitude:

I’m completely without control in my current situation with M. I can’t control what she does, thinks or feels. I’m not going to worry about outside influences to our relationship. If M gets frustrated with it, then I will be there to make her smile again. But I won’t linger on the conversation, I’m going to try to stay out of it. All I can do is trust M with my heart. When I feel myself slipping close to the pit, I’m going to find something to do to pull myself away from it. If that means that I’m cleaning house, walking on the treadmill, doing laundry, or whatever, I’m going to find something physical to do to take my mind off of the pit. I’ve, in the past day or so, taken to concentrating on M’s smile. I really love her smile. When she is really happy, her eyes shine. I actually saw that smile the past couple times we’ve spent time together.

I don’t know when the clouds and pit will try to swallow me completely again, but I do know that the physical activity, reading and responding to the forums, and blogging really seem to help.

——————————–

My Pit List:

Let go, you can’t control others actions, attitudes, or feelings

Stay out of things that are not your business

Don’t linger on the negative

Do something physical

Look online for fun vacations

Read and respond to the Forums

Blog

Think about something positive

Picture M’s smile

———————————–

There is probably more to add to this list, but this is what I have for now.

I’m feeling really good.

Good and Bad

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 1:54 pm

Good: M and I are wearing our commitment rings

Bad: M still has feelings for X

Good: M has our picture up in her room in the frame that I bought for her

Bad: M has X’s picture in the front of her wallet

Good: She said she would read a couple of my books because I read hers

Bad: She is still using X’s bookmark even though I made her another one

Good: M still looks at me like she really really loves me

Bad: We are living apart

Good: She kisses me with passion

Bad: Only when she’s not pre-occupied

Good: We have a date tonight

Bad: I don’t know if she will spend the night or go home after dinner

Good: I love her smile

Bad: I hate her tears

Good: She says she’s coming home when she’s better

Bad: I don’t know when that will be

There are plenty more good/bad’s, But for right now, I feel better for getting them out of my head.

June 13, 2010

24 hours

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 3:20 pm

24 hours, that’s all I got. 24 hours of feeling like my world was falling back into place. 24 hours of feeling like the weight was lifted. 24 hours of having my life back.

I can’t even explain how it felt to have my M back. No, she wasn’t moving back in, but she was acting like she use to. But then X decided to ruin it yet again. She started texting M, and filling her head with her manipulations again. I was ok at first, I was there when she started. M said “I’m not going to let her….” then she trailed off. And I said, “let her interfere with our relaionship”. M said “No, let her MAKE me do something”. I was crushed. My stomach went into knots, and I felt sick. I really wish X would just leave her alone for awhile, a few months. Give M time to get the feelings out of her system. But I just don’t think that’s goingto happen. She wrote on her FB, “Sometimes love just isn’t enough”. To which a mutual friend replied something about her deserving better, and three’s a crowd. I hope she takes the advise, although when M reads the reply, she’s going to be really hurt.

I keep X as a “friend” on FB because like they say, Keep your friends close, and your enemys closer. It hurts what she writes sometimes, but I still want to know. At least I have an inkling of what is in her head.  Why can’t she just leave us alone? Why can’t she just leave M alone, and let M get over her. Friendship, true friendship could be possible if she would. I would love to see them as friends. It would be good for both of them, but right now, it’s just not possible.

I was planning on telling M today that I was  just going to be whatever she needed me to be. Girlfriend, partner, friend, whatever it was she needed me to be. But something happened, and I didn’t have the opportunity to say it. And now, I really don’t want to. I don’t think I could get the words out of my mouth.

What happened was: We were watching tv, and I was planning on leaving at a certain time. We were cuddled up watching, and we both fell asleep. Two hours later we woke up when her parents walked into the house. (she’s staying with them right now, and they had been out of town for the weekend) I was SSSOOOO embarassed. I couldn’t believe they found us all cuddled up together in their livingroom. I really wasn’t planning on falling asleep, it just happened. I wonder if M really believes me. I think she does. She laughed at the fact that I was embarassed.

I’m calling her at 8:45 to make sure she’s up for work, and hopefully she’ll come see me on her way there. She is off on Monday and Tuesday. I was only expecting our Tuesday night date, but she said that she may come on Monday too!  I’m not counting on it, though. She needs to have some time on her own to work out issues. To get online and get some help.

Enough for now. Maybe more later after I talk to her.

June 12, 2010

Still my M

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 1:21 pm

Yesterday was quite a day.

After a good morning seeing M, and her kissing me the way she did, I went to work with a smile.

I got a call from my daughter, (B) B had gone a trip with the church youth group. She called me right after I got to my office, and asked if I could call M to pick her up about 20 miles from home, in the next town. I asked her what was going on, and she said she couldn’t say, but needed to be picked up. I got scared. Did someone hurt her? Did someone touch her? I know she’s 16, but I’m a mom, and I still worry. So I said I would find someone, or I would drive the 1  1/2 hours to get her. (I work almost an hour south of home, and she was 20 miles north of home) Anyway, I finally figured out, nobody did anything, her monthly friend had surprised her early, and she was unprepared. So I finally woke up J (my son) and asked him to pick her up. I called her boyfriend’s phone back to tell her. (she doesn’t have a cell) The boyfriend answers and informs me that they just dropped her off at Walmart!! Nobody stayed with her, nobody left a phone for her, just dropped her off in front of the store and left!!!! I was really pissed! J got there, and everything was fine. But then I found out, not only did they leave her alone 20 miles from home, but they harrassed her about what she was wearing, and didn’t get the money back that she paid to go on the outing. I think the pastor and I are going to have a little chat. It may not be pretty.

When I called M to see if she could get her, she was really pre-occupied, and asked if I could get ahold of J to get her, or maybe even my parents. I didn’t know why, but this kinda upset me a little. I knew her truck was acting up, and assumed it was taken apart, and wasn’t running. Anyway, I found out a little later that the reason she was so pre-occupied was because she was with X. They were in the middle of a huge fight. She wouldn’t talk to me about it, said she just couldn’t. She was just too upset. I was ok with that. Yes, I wanted to know what had upset her so much, and what had made X say she didn’t want to ever talk to her again. But I figured I was going to give her space, and stay out of it. She finally after midnight last night told me what happened. X told M that she should take our relationship status off of FB. M told her no, we were still in a relationship, we were still a couple. X pushed and pushed, and the screaming started. Now they’re not talking. I know what X was thinking. If M takes that status off, it’s going to hurt me to the point that I’m not going to want to be with her, then M will go running back to her. Well guess what??? M stood up for our relationship. She stood up for me. M even told me that she wasn’t going to let her manipulate her into doing that. (WOW)

I haven’t felt confident (obviously) about our relationship in a few weeks. But last night, I feel like the weight of the world was lifted off of me. I spent about an hour at the store last night talking to her while she worked, and she woke me up with coffee this morning. She stayed here for about 2 hours, we even fell asleep for a little bit together. I miss that so much. I woke her up knowing that she wanted to go back to her place, and she invited me to come have breakfast/lunch with her before she went to sleep for the day. I went, and we had such a good time. We played with the kitten that I got her before she left, we played on the internet for a bit, and watched some tv. We laughed alot and just enjoyed the time together. She was playful with me the way she was before. It was a great time.

I do actually feel bad about M and X’s friendship. I never wanted their friendship to end. They were friends for a long time before they were ever a couple. I just don’t want X to manipulate M, or interfere in our relationship anymore. I know that in time X will call or text M, and their friendship will resume. It will start awkward and cold, but will eventually grow back into the friendship they once had. This is how it always is when X pulls one of her “I can’t just be your friend” things. I’m hoping though, that she stays away long enough this time to let M heal, and resolve the feelings she has for her.

I got an email yesterday that informed me that M’s ring is being shipped. I should have it next week. Mine is already here, just waiting to have both of them before I do anything. I don’t know that M will think she should wear it right now. But I’ve decided to leave that up to her. I’m going to let her know that if she doesn’t feel she wants to wear it now, then I will let her hold onto them both, and when she feels it’s the right time, she can make the decision. I really hope she wants it now.

I feel so much more secure in our relationship since last night. I still don’t know what’s going to happen. But she is acting differently, and she stood up for us. I’m feeling better.

I love you My M

June 11, 2010

How we met

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 12:23 pm

This is the story about how M and I met and became a couple.

M and my son J work together over nights at a convenience store. The same place that I go every morning for my coffee. I had seen M before, and had brief conversations with her about the weather and such, but never really got to know her, not friends. She was just the girl with the coffee.

M told J about this “hot chick” that would come in for coffee sometimes. But everytime she would come in, J would be busy, and M wouldn’t be able to point her out. And every time I would go in, J wouldn’t be able to introduce me to M because she was off doing something, busy working.

One cold January morning, I walked into the store, and my son says “Hey, Mom!”. M’s face was priceless. All she said was “Mom?”. haha The hot chick was J’s mom! She didn’t stay flustered for long, and we were all talking together. For the next couple weeks, J was trying to get us to spend time together, asking M over to the house to watch movies, that sort of thing. He was talking me up to her and her up to me. She and I were flirting anytime I went in. She bought me my coffee one morning, and I bought her cigarettes the next.  J knew we would hit it off. You have to understand, my kids and I are very close. We are freakishly connected.

I went to the store for my morning coffee, and M pulled me aside. She wanted to get something for J’s birthday, but it was too expensive to buy on her own, and wanted to know if I wanted to go in on it with her. Perfect! It was too expensive for me to get on my own too, but together, we could do it. So we picked a morning, and went to Walmart. We were both so nervous. This was the first time we had spent time alone together. I, at the time, didn’t realize that this was our first date. We knew at some time during our outing we were going to kiss, and we were both thinking about it the whole time. Finally after buying the gift, and walking out the door, we sat in her truck and talked for a long time. Then suddenly, she leaned over and kissed me. It was amazing. Nothing in the world could compare to that kiss. I knew then, as hard as I may try not to, I was going to fall in love with that woman.

And we did. Quickly and deeply. I remember those first weeks so well. I could replay them in detail any time.

M is my love, she is my life, she is my partner….

She is my forever

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