Learning to dance in the rain

August 12, 2010

Meds

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 1:34 pm

I called my doctor yesterday, and begged her to put me back on my meds. I have an appointment on 8/23, but she called in the prescription to get me through til I could get there. I’m taking a generic form of Effexor. I was on this before for a couple years. I forgot about some of the side effects. I’m working through them. I keep running into walls. I miss judge where they are and hit them with my shoulder. And I’m super thirsty, so I drink alot of water, which you would think would help combat the constipation (I know, tmi) but it doesn’t, so I’ll have to do something about that. I’m really hoping this will help me. I can already feel the energy coursing through my veins. That’s part of the med, it gives you some energy. I feel like I can’t sit still. Even sitting here, my legs are bouncing. Too funny, forgot about that part.

My hope is that this will help boost me, give me a little support while I heal.

August 11, 2010

Better

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 10:21 am

I’m doing so much better today.

Yesterday I had my quarterly evaluation by my district manager and exec. It was horrible. I really wish people could understand what depression is and what it does to you. I’ve worked for this company for 10 years, and this is the only time that depression has ever affected my job. I understand that they have a business to run, but you would think with a good track record, that they could help me out a little. 10 years of great service to them, and 6 months of problems. Whatever.

After I left my evaluation, I went to my mom’s. She offered me a glass of wine, and we ended up drinking 2 together. I tend to talk alot when I’m buzzed, so my poor mom got an ear full. She was so good, though. She just sat there and listened to everything I said, and told me “I wish I was one of those wise old women that has the perfect answer for everything, but I’m not, I’m just an old lady. But I’m here to listen to anything you need to talk about.” I couldn’t believe it. She has been so different for that past 6 months or so. So supportive.

When I went home, I drank about another half bottle of wine. Needless to say, I was pretty much trashed.

M came over for our standing Tuesday night date. We watched the finale of Hells Kitchen, and then the new show Masterchef. With that show on, we still have a standing Tuesday night date. (friend date) My buzz wore off after about half the first show, so I don’t think that it really had anything to do with how well things went. While she was there, things were better. I didn’t really feel the longing to be more than her friend. It was just a good time. For the first time in a week, I think I might just make it through this.

I’m in a good place today. I’m not constantly thinking about her, and how I can get her back, or just wallowing in my grief. I’m actually having a good day. My mood is up, and I’m feeling good. I hope this lasts long enough for me to get to the doc, and get back on my meds. I know I need to get back on them, I’ll just have to learn to deal with the side affects.

I made a decision today that I’m going to start planning a cruise for next summer. I didn’t get to take one this year, and I really miss it. Cruising seems to be my relaxation trigger. It’s calming. I love to get off the ship and explore the ports, and see and learn new things, and I also love to be on the ship watching the water go by. I love meeting new people, and just having fun, not worried about life’s issues. I invited my best friend to go with me. She and her husband are going to try to save up to go too. Wow, watch out world, when you get the two of us together, there just may be trouble 🙂

Here’s to hoping this mood lasts for a little bit!!

August 9, 2010

Hurting

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 10:17 am

Dear M

I wish you could understand the hurt. I wish you could understand the pain.

I didn’t hear from you at all yesterday. No calls, no texts. Nothing. I cried on and off all day. B didn’t know what to do. She just sat there with me, watching movies and holding my hand.

You texted me this morning: “I thought maybe a totaly me free day would give you some peace. Did it work?” No, I cried all day. So I asked if you got some peace, and you answered “Guess so, I didn’t really need it.” Of course you didn’t need it. You’ve had time to get use to being without me. This is what YOU wanted, not me, so it’s alot easier for you to get over. To you, things are just as they should be. To me, my world has been torn apart.

Do you remember what it felt like when X broke up with you. When you begged her over and over again, please don’t do this. When you held on with every bit of hope, and cried all the time. When your heart was ripped to shreads? That’s where I am right now. I can’t tell you how many times a day I beg you not to do this. How many times I lay my head on your chest and sob. Of course you don’t know this, because I do it alone.

When we were talking, when you were breaking up with me, you had no emotion. I was losing it, and you just laid there. I think one time I saw a tear. But you didn’t even care about what I was going through. And I can’t understand that. You made me feel like I was being thrown away like yesterday’s trash. Aren’t you even sad? Or are you just that happy to be free of me?

I keep feeling like you want me out of your life completely. I told you our communication, our visits, everything would have to be started by you. But it seems like you want to spend less and less time talking to me and spending time with me. I won’t be X. I won’t be the one that bothers you all the time. But I guess looking back, she wasn’t really bothering you, she was winning you back. Funny, how I do everything you have ever asked me to do, and yet, I’m the one left alone and shattered.

I won’t guilt you, and I won’t manipulate you. That’s not who I am. I wish I could, though. I wish I could keep you constantly thinking about me, so that you could never let go. That way, you would come back to me. But I can’t do that.

I hope that you will be happy in your new life with X. I fear for the day when you come to me as your friend and tell me that you can’t make it work, and that you are hurting. I don’t want you to hurt. But I know that it’s coming someday if you are with her. That’s the nature of that relationship. She gets her way, and you get dragged along.

I realized yesterday that I was just a fling to you. I was your rebound, and you rebound right back to her. Well, you weren’t a fling to me. You were my life. Do you realize that I have spent every waking moment since you got hurt thinking about how to make your pain go away. How to help you. Then what can I do to make us better. How can I hold onto you as I watch you slip away from me. Every moment has been spent wondering how I can save us. Well, now I realize that in your mind, there was never an us. It was always you. You and X. I was just in your way. I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every night since you moved  out. I don’t think you realized just how much you have shattered me.

I’ll never give my whole heart to another person. I don’t think I’ll be able to trust that much again. I have walls built so far up around me, I feel like I can’t even see out, much less let anyone see in.

I’m hurting, and alone.

August 5, 2010

Shattered Heart

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 11:44 am

Well, M, it’s finally over. You finally get what you want. You finally have the freedom to be with X. I’ve known this was coming for a long time, but it just doesn’t make it hurt any less. You are the love of my life. You, for the past 6 1/2 months have been my reason for breathing.

I texted you this morning, and told you that even with the excruciating pain I’m in right now, I would have still chosen to love you. The times we shared together are worth it. YOU are worth it, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

You’ve been trying to breakup with me for a long time. You wanted me to break up with you when you told me you were moving out. You wanted me to break up with you when you asked if I would go on vacation without you. You knew X was going to post that msg and you thought I would break up with me because of it. Sometimes I think you told her to do it. You wanted me to break up with you when you decided not to make love with me anymore, and when you stopped kissing me the way you use to. There have been so many times that I’ve looked into your eyes and known that you were just waiting for me to say I can’t do this anymore.

You’ve never loved me the way you love her. That’s what I don’t understand. Why would you accept my ring if it didn’t mean anything to you? It didn’t mean anything near to you what it did to me. Why did you give me the first ring? YOU gave that to me, and I thought that meant forever. That’s what our rings meant to me, forever.

When you make a commitment to someone, it doesn’t matter what feelings you have somewhere else. You denounce them, you let go, and you do whatever it takes to make your relationship work. But you didn’t love me enough to do that. You didn’t love me enough to think about my feelings. You didn’t love me enough.

When I woke up at 3 this morning, I never went back to sleep. I couldn’t, I was struck with the realization that I’ll never get to sleep in your arms again. I guess our last night together was in the hotel on vacation.

I wish we could make love with each other just one more time. You were in so much pain the last time that neither of us could really enjoy it.

My heart has been shattered. I found my heart in the parking lot of Walmart when I knew I was going to fall in love with you. I lost it in front of my nail place when I knew you were going to leave me. I found it again, a little battered, on hwy 27 in the middle of a traffic jam, and lost it again sitting on my bed texting you, knowing that it was over.

A question: Why, the first time you left me, did you make love with me first and give me hope for the future? Do you know what that was like? I thought you were going to leave me, then you made love with me, and put on your jammies like you were staying. Then devastated my world when you walked out.

I will never trust anyone fully with my heart again. I don’t think I will ever be able to love with my whole heart, I don’t have a whole heart to give. It’s been shattered, and I don’t know how to put it back together, I don’t think it can be repaired.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t anyone just love me? Am I the only person on this earth that understands faithful commitment? Something has to be wrong with ME. I’m the common denominator in these failed relationships. I’m the common denominator that can’t have someone love me and only me. what’s wrong with me??

I told you, and god I hope you remember, that if you wake up one morning, and wonder what the hell you were thinking. If you wake up and realize that it was a mistake, I will take you back in a heartbeat. I KNOW what we are suppose to be. I will ALWAYS want you back, I will ALWAYS love you. YOU are the love of my life.

August 2, 2010

Dear M,

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 1:52 pm

Things seem so bad right now between us. We have moments of greatness together followed by long stretches of separateness. I feel so lonely sometimes, hoping that you will want to spend time with me. We seem to feel so differently.

What I feel…..

*When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is check my phone to see if I’ve missed a message from you, and to text you good morning. I want to you wake up knowing that I love you. *I think about you all the time. Any time I’m not with a customer at work, or really concentrating on something you are in my thoughts. Even when I’m with customers or really concentrating on something, you still find a way to infiltrate my thoughts. *I talk about you all the time, everyone knows I have someone special in my life. *I show off my ring to everyone, I don’t care who knows you are my partner, I want the world to know I’m happy with YOU. *I look forward to and get excited about spending time with you. When I see you my heart jumps, and all I can think about is how much I love you. *I try to make sure you know exactly how I feel. I try my best never to say anything that could hurt your feelings. *I want us to spend as much time together as we can. You are my safe haven, and I depend on you. *I would never let an ex think they have a chance of getting me back, because there is no chance I would ever leave you for someone else.

This is how it seems that you feel:

You “forget” to text me in the morning. And sometimes it seems like you would rather be doing anything else than talking to me. *You think about me when it’s convenient for you. Sometimes I think I infiltrate your thoughts, but am pushed away because you don’t want to think about me. *You tell people about us, but you don’t make it sound as permanent as I do. Almost like you’re telling them “this is who I’m with for right now”. *You wear your ring when you think about it, and never actively show anyone and say, look what my baby gave me. And you have conveniently forgotten to wear your ring every time you see X. You told me you would wear your ring when you were with her, but you’ve had it for over a month, and have spent time with her 6 or 7 times, but yet she still doesn’t know, and I can’t share my joy with my friends because you don’t want to hurt her feelings. *You make me feel like spending time with me is an obligation. If I said that you didn’t have to come over if you didn’t want to, you would say ok and stay home. That’s how you make me feel. You never say, I’ll be there at 5. It’s always I’ll be there, I just don’t know when. And it’s always later than you know I’m expecting you. *Sometimes when I say something sweet to you, instead of saying “me too” or saying something sweet back, you just give some mundane answer like “I know” or “ok” or “maybe”. I know that sometimes you know how badly you are hurting me with your answers, but yet is seems like you don’t care that I’m being hurt. *Again, it seems like you feel like spending time with me is an obligation, not something you want to do. *You have let X think that you are coming back to her. And maybe you are, but for right now, you are with me. We are still an us. But you seem to care more about her feelings than mine. I know you are trying to preserve a friendship there, but sometimes you have to put your foot down, and let her know the truth.

You are in the hospital right now. You got out of surgery a couple of hours ago. And I’m not there. You won’t let me be there. I’m sitting here crying because all I want to do is be able to hold your hand and let you know how much I love you. Yes, I’m still upset about this.  So who does that make me? I’m the partner that didn’t give a shit enough to go see you when you were hurting. You won’t even let me send you flowers, you refused to tell me the name of the hospital so that I couldn’t send anything. I don’t think you quite understand how hurt I am about all of this. Actually you do, because I’ve told you, but you just don’t care. It doesn’t matter to you that I’m hurt. As long as you get your way.

I don’t know what to do. I’m sitting here completely lost because I don’t understand why you are pushing me away. I keep thinking that maybe you’ll wake up from your surgery and want me there, and call me to say to come see you. But I know you won’t, you’ll want to save face instead of actually needing someone. You don’t always have to be so tough. Sometimes we just need each other, and this is one of those times.

As it stands, I won’t get to see you again until Wednesday night, and with the way you have been acting, you won’t even want me then. You’ll tell me to wait til you are better.

You’ve been in pain for a couple months now, and I’ve done nothing but take care of you, and love you, and do anything in my power to take the hurt away.

I’m hurting, and you don’t care.