Learning to dance in the rain

September 30, 2010

Puppies

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 10:01 am

I can’t believe that I forgot to write about the puppies first night out of their kennel. We began crate training them the minute we brought them home. They also know that at about 10pm, it’s time to go out one last time, then head for the kennel to sleep for the night.

They are almost 7 months old, and I thought it was about time to see how they did out for a night. They were so great. At 10 we went out for one last potty break, then they looked at me and started for the den. I said, come on in my room! They just looked at me, got all excited and jumped up on the bed. Through the night when I would wake up  and roll over, they would look at me thinking I was going to kick them out back to their crate. The only thing I can say for that night was those dogs are bed hogs!!!! But they did really well.

So the next night I again brought them into the room with me. I tried to go to sleep for about an hour. They were up and down. Pouncing on me ever time they jumped back up on the bed. I finally gave up and put them back in their kennel for the night. I had to get some sleep.

Then last night, we tried again. They made it til 1 before I finally had to give up. Up and down, jumping on me and waking me back up. So I’m seriously thinking about only doing this about once a week to start and see how that goes. Then increase it as they learn that it’s time to sleep and not play.

We have still not mastered walking on a leash yet. They pull really hard, even with choke collars on. I’ve never known a dog to do that. I’m so afraid that they will hurt themselves like that. I suppose we still have training time. They are still young. But I must say, I’m looking forward to a couple years from now when they are calmer dogs instead of hyper puppies.

September 26, 2010

Lonely weekend

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 5:26 pm

So I’ve sat here all weekend, wishing I had someone to do something with. Anything.

I’ve been pretty lonely lately. Trying the dating thing, but just can’t seem to find anyone that shares my thoughts and ideas. I’m still going to meet with K, but really not sure if that’s going to work out. She already started talking about love and moving in, and I’ve never even met her in person. I told her that I wasn’t ready for that, so she has calmed down a bit.

Still internet chatting with people. Haven’t met up with anyone yet. Maybe one of these days. I may meet someone next weekend when I go see my cousin. That’s one woman that I would actually consider dating. She’s a little older than me, but a great person, inside and out. I’m looking forward to meeting her.

M was suppose to come over today to pick up some of her things, and to bring back some of mine. I told her I wanted the ring back that I gave her since it meant so much more to me than to her. To her it was a piece of jewelery, to me it meant forever.

So enough for now, and off to do the laundry.

Maybe next weekend will be better.

September 21, 2010

Bad Day

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 7:41 am

I had a really bad day yesterday. Cried on and off. Of course Sunday (the day before) was no better. I slept away most of Sunday.  I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, which of course, made it hard to deal with customers. I drove home in tears. I tried to explain to K that I was depressed, and didn’t know why, and she was so good about just texting me, and just talking to me. I finally got up and got a pack of cigarettes and an ice tea, and sat on the porch with J, R, and S, and a couple of their friends, and had one smoke. OMG…. I felt better instantly. I suppose the lack of smoking, plus I haven’t been buying my ice tea, plus being a little down turned into a huge depression.

So, I’ve decided that I will keep a pack of cigarettes, and smoke one or two a day. Only if I start feeling down, or feel like I just can’t take it. That’s alot better than a pack a day. And alot less expensive. If I keep it down to one a day, I can get away with one pack per paycheck.

I think I have got the finances figured out for right now. It’s not pretty, but at least we have a little food, and the bills are paid. I may have just found a way to pay for my bankruptcy. My assistant just told me that I can borrow from my pension. I suppose I could try it. If I could get all of that done, then I would be ok. I would have a little extra money to do things for the kids, and buy Christmas.

Hoping today will be better. So far so good.

September 16, 2010

Moving on

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 2:59 pm

I’ve decided to move on. No more wishing and hoping for M to return.

In that light, I went to an online dating site, hoping to find someone that would like me for me. Someone I could be best friends with, and hopefully, if circumstances allowed, turn that friendship into something special.

I met one woman that I seemed to get along with, we texted and emailed, then decided to meet. Although, at the time, I didn’t think there was a spark, I decided to give it more than one chance. So the following weekend, she came to visit me. Still, unfortunately, no spark, at least not on my side. I think there was on hers, as she was very clingy and touchy feely the whole time. She is a good person, and we will make good friends, but I don’t think it will be anything beyond that.

Then I met K. We live 4 hours from each other, so we haven’t actually met in person yet. We started with emails, then chatting, then texting and now talking on the phone. All this happened in a matter of a couple weeks. We get along great, and so far there is chemistry there. I hope it continues when we meet in person.

We are suppose to get together halfway between, a 2 hour drive for each of us, to go to Universal Studios for Halloween Horror Nights. It’s not really my thing, but she already has the tickets, and invited me. So I said yes. At least it will be something fun to do so I won’t just be sitting there nervously looking at her.

So, I’m counting down. 29 days to go.

Here is my fear. I don’t want to just be projecting my feelings for M onto K. That’s not fair. That’s what she did to me. I’m trying to keep things slow, making sure that what is there is really there. Holding back on letting myself feel anything. I also think it’s unfair that I have a steel reenforced brick wall built up so far around me that nothing and no one is getting in. That’s not fair of me to do to someone. But right now, I feel the need for defense. I can’t hurt like that again. I never hurt that bad in my entire life, and I don’t think I can go through it again. I’ll have to explain it to K, and she is just going to have to understand, or she is just going to have to wait. It’s not like she’s my girlfriend or anything. At the moment we are just talking, and we know that we really like each other, and out personalities really click. I think we are both hoping that something can come out of this.

No, I’m not suddenly going to change my blog from being about M to being about K. This blog is about me, and what’s going on in MY life. My depression, my recovery, my decisions, my issues.

I have to quit smoking. Not because I want to but because of my financial situation, I can’t afford it. I’m on my last pack right now, so by tonight I’ll be finished. Tomorrow is not going to be pretty. At least it’s a Friday, and I can enjoy the fact that the weekend is only a day away. I was thinking about trying those new “electronic cigarettes”. They are suppose to be much less expensive, and a friend of mine actually has the cartridge for it, all I would need to buy are the refills. But right now I don’t even think I can do that. Hopefully things will get better soon.

So, I’m moving on with my life.

Look out world….. here I come!

September 9, 2010

Disposable

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 7:50 am

Dear M,

I guess you have finally even thrown away our friendship. Wednesday night is our night to get together and watch our show and talk. That’s the only time I ever get to see you. You skipped last week, and now you skipped last night. I tried to text you 3 times to see if you were coming, I called, but when you didn’t answer, I thought maybe your phone had been shut off. I called your house to see, but your mom said your phone was fine. So it looks like you’re just throwing me away like yesterday’s trash.

Don’t worry, I won’t contact you anymore. But know that I miss our friendship. Yes, sometimes it was hard seeing you, but I was getting over everything and hoping that we had the kind of friendship that would last. I guess not.

My assumption is that you and X are back together, and just like I told you, she won’t “allow” you to be friends with me. Didn’t you say you would never let her do that? hhmmm….

I knew something was up when you hugged me the last time I saw you. You hugged me so tight and wouldn’t let go. When you finally did there were tears in your eyes. Then as you walked out the door, you turned back and said “Goodbye Joanie”. You never did that before. I should have known them that you wouldn’t be back.

Since you didn’t give me the chance to say goodbye, I thought I would say goodbye here, it’s all I have. So, goodbye M, Have an amazing life and be happy. All I want is for you to be so so happy.

Joanie