Learning to dance in the rain

October 21, 2010

Homophobic Server

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 9:31 pm

Ok, just got back from dinner just a little bit ago, and our server was completely homophobic! She came to the table to get our drink order, and K and I were holding hands across the table. We gave her our drink order, and at the same time asked her to put in an appetizer order.
She ignored us as she busily cleaned up the tables around us. She eventually brought us our appetizer and promptly walked away. We just sat there wondering if she was going to take our dinner order or not. I finally after about 10 minutes waved down the manager (whom I know from having frequented this particular restaurant for some time) and asked him to let her know that we wanted to order dinner. He took our order, and called her over and had a stern talk with her. I’m quite sure he let her know that she was screwing up a table she didn’t want to screw up, because I’m a long time customer that tips very well. After that she seemed to be all over us, making sure to ask over and over if there was anything else she could get us or do for us. But the whole time it just seemed like she couldn’t stand looking at us.
I will not hide the fact that I’m gay, and I will not hold myself back from holding hands or anything in public. I shouldn’t have to.
This REALLY upset me and K. I have NEVER recieved bad service there. The servers usually fight over who gets my table. I was completely put off.
I will continue to go there because I know the usual people that are there, and I know that this particular young woman will be short lived if she keeps treating people with such prejudice.
I just needed to get this off of my chest.
If anyone is reading this and has gone through prejudicial treatment for any reason, comment or let me know. I just can’t believe that in 2010, we still have to deal with this.

October 19, 2010

It’s just me again

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 1:01 pm

I’m doing good since the rift between K and I. We have decided to be friends, and have even dated some. But we are on  “Keep it Slow” mode. We’ve decided to work on our trust through friendship, and get to know more about each other. It’s actually been interesting learning about her and her childhood and her past relationships. Of course I’ve told her about mine as well. We’ve actually spent quite a bit of time together. She’s really an interesting person. As angry and upset as I was a week ago, I feel like I over-reacted a bit.

I do hope that I can work through my trust issues and be a normal person again. I can’t believe that another person can make you so unsure about yourself. I suppose, though it wasn’t just one person. It was a few people in my life that broke my trust so badly that I have no more to give. I tend to give my trust to people until they do something that breaks it. I suppose that all it takes is a small breech of that trust to ruin it. When I’ve been in a relationship longer (whether friendship of love) it takes a little more to actually break the trust. I suppose that over time it builds.

I also have a theory about lesbians and fast moving relationships. I’ve noticed that I, myself tend to move faster when it comes to feelings in a relationship. But so do many of my friends in the lesbian world. K falls in love very quickly. Her friends even tell her that she is in love with one person on week and with someone else another. I’ve seen it with my cousin, I’ve seen it with friends. And alot of times these relationships are short lived. Not always, mind you, but alot of times.  So I’m trying to break this cycle. I went quickly into this relationship. But now we are slowed down. I don’t know how long I will hold out, but for now, I am. We are going on dates. Getting to know each other. In a little over a month we are going on vacation together. She has always wanted to go on a cruise, so we are going, and I wanted to go to the mountains to see my best friend from high school, so she is going up that way with me too. She has her “mother figure” up there that she wants to see. So it will work out well. Maybe by then (we will have been dating for about 2 months) we will decide to make a commitment together. I don’t know. Maybe we won’t even make it that far as friends or dating.

There is so much in my life I’ve wanted to come in here and write about, but just haven’t really had the time to get in here. My computer at home is on the fritz (still), and work has been a little busier lately. So when I can remember what it is that I wanted to type about I’ll just come back.

October 13, 2010

Here we go (again)

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 7:42 am

My weekend with K was wonderful. A great 3 day weekend with nothing to do but enjoy the time.

Then last night, she dropped a little bombshell on me, and it’s not really anything I think I’m going to just get over. She kept some information from me, and it was really important information. She didn’t give me the chance to make an informed decision about she and I. This will be a constant rift between us. I don’t think I’m going to continue this relationship.

I think it’s a little telling, though, that I’m not really all that sad about it. I’m a little upset that I’m going to have to hurt her, but not upset for myself. I have a great group of PC friends that are always there for me anytime I need to talk or vent. And I have a new group of IRL friends that I’m looking forward to hanging out with on a regular basis.

The only thing that is a little upsetting is that K was the only person that lives anywhere near me that I found on the online dating site. Oh, well, I’m sure that someone will show up someday. Like a friend of mine told me, the love of your life shows up when you’re not looking.

I’m getting a little embarrassed about writing constantly about my “love life”. Especially when it always seems to go bad. But through all of this, I’ve discovered that I’m not the kind of person that does well alone. I like and want to be with someone. I like to know that there is someone that just can’t wait to see me at the end of the day. I like knowing that someone is thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about her.

Someday this person will come along and sweep me off my feet. I’m looking forward to that day.

Stay tuned for the next episode of….. “The Soap Opera That Is My Life”

October 8, 2010

K vs K

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 7:21 am

Well, in reading back through my blog, I realized I named 2 people “K”.  They are definitely 2 different women. The first one ended up being somewhat of a stalker, kinda scary. The new “K” is amazing. No more talking about stalker K, from now on, it’s all about amazing K. (wow, that makes her sound like a superhero)

Things have been going so well since our weekend together. The Kids are getting to know her, and have been trying to accept her. They were so hurt by M disappearing out of their lives, that they are reluctant to accept anyone new.  K has been spending nights at my house, and I have to say, I don’t ever want to sleep alone again. It’s so great to have warm arms wrapped around you making you feel safe and comforted.

I was trying to hold out on telling K that I loved her. I wanted to make sure that this wasn’t just an infatuation or worse yet, a rebound. But then when I stopped to think about it, I don’t want to lose out on the wonderful new in love feeling and knowing that person is feeling the same way. So I told her how I felt. I love learning new things about  her every day, and watching her learn new things about me.

As good as this feels, though, I’m still scared. I suppose it’s to be expected. So afraid of being hurt. I can’t hurt like that again.

I’m suppose to have dinner tonight with her and her friends tonight. Don’t know what to expect with that. I suppose they are just as protective over K as my friends and family are over me. One of my “important” people, my cousin L, approved of her when we were there last weekend. She said she really liked her. She only had one derogatory thing to say, and it’s something very superficial, and it’s going to be fixed soon anyway, but putting that aside, L really liked her.

Have I mentioned that she has absolutely amazingly beautiful blue eyes???

October 4, 2010

My Weekend

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 2:19 pm

I met someone! I’ve been doing the online dating thing. Trying the sites to see if there was anyone out there that would be interested in me. So far the only people I’ve met have been 3 or 4 hours away. I’ve talked to crazy people, stalkers, and people that I have nothing at all in common with.

When I first joined this one site, there was one person in the tiny town where I live. So I messaged her to see if she would be interested in meeting. But I never heard back from her. I was really just thinking about deleting my account because there just isn’t anyone where I live. But this woman popped up in my matches again. So I decided one more time to message her. This time she messaged me back. She said she never recieved the first one. We both have been a bit hurt, and thought it to be a good idea to be friends, and have someone local to hang out with, although we both knew the possiblity  that it could potentially turn into something more. I went to her house and had dinner and watched a movie, and we discovered that not only do we live in the same town, we both work and travel 45 minutes to the same town to work. We then cooked up the plan to carpool and save some money! After a couple days of this, we had really gotten to know each other pretty well. I was about to get out of the car to go into work one morning, and she reached over and kissed me. Wow, the electricity that I felt shoot through me. That was the beginning. We went away this weekend together. It was amazing. We spent time with my cousin and some of her friends, and had plenty of “us” time as well. We got to know each other even better, many of the fun little details that make a person unique.

I suppose since this is my blog, I can say that I fell head over heels in love. And so did she. I guess on here I need to give her a name. Unfortunately her name also starts with an M, but her last name starts with a K, so that will be her. K is an amazing woman. She has been through alot in her life, some of the same things I’ve been through, some things radically different. But because of our hardships, we know where we stand. We have become similar creatures.

I didn’t tell K that I’m in love with her. Not because I don’t want to, because I would love to be able to tell her everything that I’m feeling. But I just don’t trust myself, or my heart. I told her it was going to take me time to get everything straight in my head. I don’t want to make her feel the way that M made me feel while we were together. I don’t want there to be 3 people in this relationship. I also told her that I want to be completely sure this isn’t a rebound, I don’t want to hurt her.  So I told K that I’m not going to date anyone else, but also that I’m not comfortable with the words commitment, relationship, partner, or anything of that sort. And I explained why. She said that she could tell that I fell in love with her too by the way that I look into her eyes. She said that she completely understood, and that she was patient enough to wait for me. That has endeared her even more to me.

I know that we are in the beginning of something special, and that the feelings are high and exhilarating right now, but at the moment……..

I think I may have just met my future