Learning to dance in the rain

February 25, 2011


Filed under: babies,pregnancy — justjoanie @ 5:24 pm

I really thought things were better, or at least getting better.

I’m still in a deep pit, and I don’t know how to get out.

The latest thing to tie me down…… One of my 17 year old twins, S, may be pregnant. She’s late, and she’ sexually active. Yes, this worries me.

I’ve thought about this alot in my life. What would I do if my young daughter got pregnant, or if my son fathered a child. It’s almost like I have it planned in my head. I was a teenage mother myself. Pregnant at 16 and a mother at 17. So I know what it will be like for her, and that’s what breaks my heart. I find it sad that there is a day care at the middle and high schools. Not for the teachers babies but for the students babies.

I will not raise my grandchild. That baby will be my daughter’s responsiblity as well as her boyfriend’s. They will have to work to support their own child. I will be happy to babysit sometimes for them to get out for an evening, but I will not be a daycare, on an everyday basis, for them to go to work or to school. There is a day care at the school, and they will have work something out for child care while they work.  Maybe they will work opposite shifts so that someone will always be home. They are welcome to live with me, but they will feed, clothe and take care of their own child. If I’m able, I’ll put the baby on my insurance for work, because it wouldn’t cost me any more than what I pay now. My daughter and her boyfriend will cease being kids, and face the struggles of adult and parenthood.

I have raised my kids, I have done my part. My youngest are 17, and in another year or so, will be self sufficient and on their own. I’m not willing to go backwards and start from scratch. Don’t get me wrong, I would love this hypothetical child with all my heart, I will hug, kiss and spoil it rotten like every grandmother should. But I will not raise it, it will not be my responsibility.

When I had a child as a teenager, I took care of my child. My mother was not my day care, she didn’t buy food and diapers for my child, My child was MY responsiblity. Yes, I grew up fast. But truthfully, it’s the only life I’ve known. Maybe that is why I’m so adamant about not being my grandchilds mother. I’m ready to know what it’s like to have a little freedom. I’d like to know what it’s like to not be solely responsible for life and limb. I’d like to be able to say, I’m going away for the weekend, and not have to worry about having minors to tend to.

Does this sound completely horrible? Does this make me a bad mother? Will it make me a bad grandmother?

I will, though, stand by what I say, what I believe in.

I’m doing all this worrying, and I’m not even sure if she is pregnant or not. I’ll find that out hopefully this weekend. We’re going to run the test.

Please, oh, please, let it be negative……..