Learning to dance in the rain

February 28, 2011

Just call me Nani

Filed under: babies,depression,grandmother,pregnancy — justjoanie @ 1:54 pm

Yep, my daughter is pregnant. I think I’m holding up alot better than I thought I would. I can feel the depression creeping up, but it’s not taken me over completely. I can’t go into the pit, because I have my daughter to think about. I have to stay strong for her. She had a little “freak-out” when the test was positive. But we sat down together and talked and she seemed to be ok. I’m sure that’s not the only freak-out she’s going to have in the next 9 months.

I’m trying to be proactive and stay on top of everything (including my depression). I’ve talked to my insurance company to find out that yes, she will be covered, and that we have an out of pocket max of $1500. So we won’t have to pay any more than that. Plus there is a great young first time mom’s program they are going to put her into. I think I found a doctor, the only female in our insurance network that practices out of the hospital we want to use. I’m going to try to make an appointment with her.

I also called our EAP program for work, so that I can get into see a coucelor. We have 3 free sessions, then it’s a $15 co-pay after that. I’m going to call about an appointment. I’ve got to stay on top of this. Can’t let myself fall into that pit. I can’t have a full blown episode. I have to reverse this now.

I’ll keep posting about the progression of our lives.

February 25, 2011

Life

Filed under: babies,pregnancy — justjoanie @ 5:24 pm

I really thought things were better, or at least getting better.

I’m still in a deep pit, and I don’t know how to get out.

The latest thing to tie me down…… One of my 17 year old twins, S, may be pregnant. She’s late, and she’ sexually active. Yes, this worries me.

I’ve thought about this alot in my life. What would I do if my young daughter got pregnant, or if my son fathered a child. It’s almost like I have it planned in my head. I was a teenage mother myself. Pregnant at 16 and a mother at 17. So I know what it will be like for her, and that’s what breaks my heart. I find it sad that there is a day care at the middle and high schools. Not for the teachers babies but for the students babies.

I will not raise my grandchild. That baby will be my daughter’s responsiblity as well as her boyfriend’s. They will have to work to support their own child. I will be happy to babysit sometimes for them to get out for an evening, but I will not be a daycare, on an everyday basis, for them to go to work or to school. There is a day care at the school, and they will have work something out for child care while they work.  Maybe they will work opposite shifts so that someone will always be home. They are welcome to live with me, but they will feed, clothe and take care of their own child. If I’m able, I’ll put the baby on my insurance for work, because it wouldn’t cost me any more than what I pay now. My daughter and her boyfriend will cease being kids, and face the struggles of adult and parenthood.

I have raised my kids, I have done my part. My youngest are 17, and in another year or so, will be self sufficient and on their own. I’m not willing to go backwards and start from scratch. Don’t get me wrong, I would love this hypothetical child with all my heart, I will hug, kiss and spoil it rotten like every grandmother should. But I will not raise it, it will not be my responsibility.

When I had a child as a teenager, I took care of my child. My mother was not my day care, she didn’t buy food and diapers for my child, My child was MY responsiblity. Yes, I grew up fast. But truthfully, it’s the only life I’ve known. Maybe that is why I’m so adamant about not being my grandchilds mother. I’m ready to know what it’s like to have a little freedom. I’d like to know what it’s like to not be solely responsible for life and limb. I’d like to be able to say, I’m going away for the weekend, and not have to worry about having minors to tend to.

Does this sound completely horrible? Does this make me a bad mother? Will it make me a bad grandmother?

I will, though, stand by what I say, what I believe in.

I’m doing all this worrying, and I’m not even sure if she is pregnant or not. I’ll find that out hopefully this weekend. We’re going to run the test.

Please, oh, please, let it be negative……..