Learning to dance in the rain

March 7, 2011

Pulled apart

Filed under: depression — justjoanie @ 10:51 am

That’s what I feel like right now. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me, and I don’t have any of me left for myself.

With S being pregnant, and needing advice, and her morning sickness being so severe, I have to be there for her.

Her twin sister R is feeling very displaced, and is frustrated every time the baby is mentioned. I guess she feels like since she’s the “good” one that didn’t get pregnant, she should be treated better. Plus she didn’t get into the school that she wanted to go to. She’ll be able to go when she’s 18, but for now, she has to stay at home, and go to her regular high school. She’s so disappointed. I need to be there for her, to help her through her depression over all of this.

Michele still doesn’t have a job, and she’s somewhat upset over that, plus she’s PMS-ing, and really clingy. And on top of that, she has some health issues, so I have to be there for her. I feel like I have to spend all my time when I’m at home with her. I feel bad when I spend too much time playing games on the computer (that’s what I do to relax myself). She makes me feel like I’m neglecting the relationship. She has a piece of me.

My son J, is planning on marrying his girlfriend, and they are talking to me about that. I don’t think they are going to do it for awhile, but I still feel like I need to give them my attention when they want to talk.

Plus I have my parents to deal with. My dad is in bad health, and my mom is just a pain in the butt sometimes. I feel like if I don’t call them and go to their house on a regular basis, that I’m neglecting that relationship. And I don’t want to be that kind of daughter. So they have a piece of me too.

Work is work, and I spend 50 hours a week in the office, plus drive 48 miles each way every day.  And I can’t afford to lose my job, because I’m the only one working, and because my insurance is paying for the baby. So they have a piece of me too.

Plus my friend that’s going through a bad time with her husband, and she needs to talk. She knows I’ve been through the cheating thing with my ex, and she wants my advice. She needs a sounding board that she can vent to. So there goes another piece of me.

I just feel like I don’t have enough of me to go around. Somethings got to give! I feel like I want to go to sleep and wake up when everything ok. Just give me a couple of months.  I just feel like the girl in that picture, and all I want to do is scream…. “EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!”

I would love to have time for myself, that I didn’t have to answer to anyone for what I did or didn’t do. I would love to be able to lay in bed, eat junk food, watch movies or tv, play on the computer, anything that I want, just for a little while, and not feel like I’m neglecting everyone for it.

I feel like I’m being pulled in a hundred different directions. And it’s not only the people in my life. It’s my emotions as well……

In regards to S. I’m so sad for her, because I know how hard the road ahead of her is. I’ve been there, I’ve traveled that path. I WAS a teenage mom. But I’m also excited that I’m going to be a Nani. I’m upset because I know that I’m going to be paying more to help support the family. I’m a bit embarrassed about it with my parents, because I know what their reaction is going to be.

With R, I hurt so bad for her. She is feeling so neglected. She wanted to badly to go to this school, and even more so after she found out about her sister. She could get out of the house and away from the drama. When she’s able to go (when she turns 18), I’m going to miss her so much, but I’m so happy for her at the same time. I want her to do well, but I feel like I’ve let her down as her mother.

And in Michele’s case. I love her to death. And I don’t know what I would do without her, but she has become so clingy lately, that I just want to push her away and tell her to leave me alone for awhile. I can’t take the mood swings. Sometimes her mood makes her quiet, and distant, and I welcome that time, but then I feel guilty about enjoying it. Then I get frustrated when she interrupts me no matter what I’m in the middle of to kiss me, or to talk to me. Then I feel guilty for being frustrated.

I’m pulling myself apart from the inside out. Parts of me want to be excited and happy, and other parts of me want to be left alone so that I can just be depressed and get it over with. Part of me wants to be surrounded by the people close to me, and other parts of me want to be by myself. And I feel so guilty for neglecting each person in my life so that I can take care of one of the other people in my life.

I don’t know how much longer I can be pulled apart before I actually break into little pieces. I know I need help, I know I need to go talk to someone. I’ve got to find the paper where I wrote down the person I can go see. I need to call and make an appointment. I’m just so tired. So, so tired.

February 28, 2011

Just call me Nani

Filed under: babies,depression,grandmother,pregnancy — justjoanie @ 1:54 pm

Yep, my daughter is pregnant. I think I’m holding up alot better than I thought I would. I can feel the depression creeping up, but it’s not taken me over completely. I can’t go into the pit, because I have my daughter to think about. I have to stay strong for her. She had a little “freak-out” when the test was positive. But we sat down together and talked and she seemed to be ok. I’m sure that’s not the only freak-out she’s going to have in the next 9 months.

I’m trying to be proactive and stay on top of everything (including my depression). I’ve talked to my insurance company to find out that yes, she will be covered, and that we have an out of pocket max of $1500. So we won’t have to pay any more than that. Plus there is a great young first time mom’s program they are going to put her into. I think I found a doctor, the only female in our insurance network that practices out of the hospital we want to use. I’m going to try to make an appointment with her.

I also called our EAP program for work, so that I can get into see a coucelor. We have 3 free sessions, then it’s a $15 co-pay after that. I’m going to call about an appointment. I’ve got to stay on top of this. Can’t let myself fall into that pit. I can’t have a full blown episode. I have to reverse this now.

I’ll keep posting about the progression of our lives.