Learning to dance in the rain

October 4, 2010

My Weekend

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 2:19 pm

I met someone! I’ve been doing the online dating thing. Trying the sites to see if there was anyone out there that would be interested in me. So far the only people I’ve met have been 3 or 4 hours away. I’ve talked to crazy people, stalkers, and people that I have nothing at all in common with.

When I first joined this one site, there was one person in the tiny town where I live. So I messaged her to see if she would be interested in meeting. But I never heard back from her. I was really just thinking about deleting my account because there just isn’t anyone where I live. But this woman popped up in my matches again. So I decided one more time to message her. This time she messaged me back. She said she never recieved the first one. We both have been a bit hurt, and thought it to be a good idea to be friends, and have someone local to hang out with, although we both knew the possiblity  that it could potentially turn into something more. I went to her house and had dinner and watched a movie, and we discovered that not only do we live in the same town, we both work and travel 45 minutes to the same town to work. We then cooked up the plan to carpool and save some money! After a couple days of this, we had really gotten to know each other pretty well. I was about to get out of the car to go into work one morning, and she reached over and kissed me. Wow, the electricity that I felt shoot through me. That was the beginning. We went away this weekend together. It was amazing. We spent time with my cousin and some of her friends, and had plenty of “us” time as well. We got to know each other even better, many of the fun little details that make a person unique.

I suppose since this is my blog, I can say that I fell head over heels in love. And so did she. I guess on here I need to give her a name. Unfortunately her name also starts with an M, but her last name starts with a K, so that will be her. K is an amazing woman. She has been through alot in her life, some of the same things I’ve been through, some things radically different. But because of our hardships, we know where we stand. We have become similar creatures.

I didn’t tell K that I’m in love with her. Not because I don’t want to, because I would love to be able to tell her everything that I’m feeling. But I just don’t trust myself, or my heart. I told her it was going to take me time to get everything straight in my head. I don’t want to make her feel the way that M made me feel while we were together. I don’t want there to be 3 people in this relationship. I also told her that I want to be completely sure this isn’t a rebound, I don’t want to hurt her.  So I told K that I’m not going to date anyone else, but also that I’m not comfortable with the words commitment, relationship, partner, or anything of that sort. And I explained why. She said that she could tell that I fell in love with her too by the way that I look into her eyes. She said that she completely understood, and that she was patient enough to wait for me. That has endeared her even more to me.

I know that we are in the beginning of something special, and that the feelings are high and exhilarating right now, but at the moment……..

I think I may have just met my future

September 30, 2010

Puppies

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 10:01 am

I can’t believe that I forgot to write about the puppies first night out of their kennel. We began crate training them the minute we brought them home. They also know that at about 10pm, it’s time to go out one last time, then head for the kennel to sleep for the night.

They are almost 7 months old, and I thought it was about time to see how they did out for a night. They were so great. At 10 we went out for one last potty break, then they looked at me and started for the den. I said, come on in my room! They just looked at me, got all excited and jumped up on the bed. Through the night when I would wake up  and roll over, they would look at me thinking I was going to kick them out back to their crate. The only thing I can say for that night was those dogs are bed hogs!!!! But they did really well.

So the next night I again brought them into the room with me. I tried to go to sleep for about an hour. They were up and down. Pouncing on me ever time they jumped back up on the bed. I finally gave up and put them back in their kennel for the night. I had to get some sleep.

Then last night, we tried again. They made it til 1 before I finally had to give up. Up and down, jumping on me and waking me back up. So I’m seriously thinking about only doing this about once a week to start and see how that goes. Then increase it as they learn that it’s time to sleep and not play.

We have still not mastered walking on a leash yet. They pull really hard, even with choke collars on. I’ve never known a dog to do that. I’m so afraid that they will hurt themselves like that. I suppose we still have training time. They are still young. But I must say, I’m looking forward to a couple years from now when they are calmer dogs instead of hyper puppies.

September 26, 2010

Lonely weekend

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 5:26 pm

So I’ve sat here all weekend, wishing I had someone to do something with. Anything.

I’ve been pretty lonely lately. Trying the dating thing, but just can’t seem to find anyone that shares my thoughts and ideas. I’m still going to meet with K, but really not sure if that’s going to work out. She already started talking about love and moving in, and I’ve never even met her in person. I told her that I wasn’t ready for that, so she has calmed down a bit.

Still internet chatting with people. Haven’t met up with anyone yet. Maybe one of these days. I may meet someone next weekend when I go see my cousin. That’s one woman that I would actually consider dating. She’s a little older than me, but a great person, inside and out. I’m looking forward to meeting her.

M was suppose to come over today to pick up some of her things, and to bring back some of mine. I told her I wanted the ring back that I gave her since it meant so much more to me than to her. To her it was a piece of jewelery, to me it meant forever.

So enough for now, and off to do the laundry.

Maybe next weekend will be better.

September 21, 2010

Bad Day

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 7:41 am

I had a really bad day yesterday. Cried on and off. Of course Sunday (the day before) was no better. I slept away most of Sunday.  I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, which of course, made it hard to deal with customers. I drove home in tears. I tried to explain to K that I was depressed, and didn’t know why, and she was so good about just texting me, and just talking to me. I finally got up and got a pack of cigarettes and an ice tea, and sat on the porch with J, R, and S, and a couple of their friends, and had one smoke. OMG…. I felt better instantly. I suppose the lack of smoking, plus I haven’t been buying my ice tea, plus being a little down turned into a huge depression.

So, I’ve decided that I will keep a pack of cigarettes, and smoke one or two a day. Only if I start feeling down, or feel like I just can’t take it. That’s alot better than a pack a day. And alot less expensive. If I keep it down to one a day, I can get away with one pack per paycheck.

I think I have got the finances figured out for right now. It’s not pretty, but at least we have a little food, and the bills are paid. I may have just found a way to pay for my bankruptcy. My assistant just told me that I can borrow from my pension. I suppose I could try it. If I could get all of that done, then I would be ok. I would have a little extra money to do things for the kids, and buy Christmas.

Hoping today will be better. So far so good.

September 16, 2010

Moving on

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 2:59 pm

I’ve decided to move on. No more wishing and hoping for M to return.

In that light, I went to an online dating site, hoping to find someone that would like me for me. Someone I could be best friends with, and hopefully, if circumstances allowed, turn that friendship into something special.

I met one woman that I seemed to get along with, we texted and emailed, then decided to meet. Although, at the time, I didn’t think there was a spark, I decided to give it more than one chance. So the following weekend, she came to visit me. Still, unfortunately, no spark, at least not on my side. I think there was on hers, as she was very clingy and touchy feely the whole time. She is a good person, and we will make good friends, but I don’t think it will be anything beyond that.

Then I met K. We live 4 hours from each other, so we haven’t actually met in person yet. We started with emails, then chatting, then texting and now talking on the phone. All this happened in a matter of a couple weeks. We get along great, and so far there is chemistry there. I hope it continues when we meet in person.

We are suppose to get together halfway between, a 2 hour drive for each of us, to go to Universal Studios for Halloween Horror Nights. It’s not really my thing, but she already has the tickets, and invited me. So I said yes. At least it will be something fun to do so I won’t just be sitting there nervously looking at her.

So, I’m counting down. 29 days to go.

Here is my fear. I don’t want to just be projecting my feelings for M onto K. That’s not fair. That’s what she did to me. I’m trying to keep things slow, making sure that what is there is really there. Holding back on letting myself feel anything. I also think it’s unfair that I have a steel reenforced brick wall built up so far around me that nothing and no one is getting in. That’s not fair of me to do to someone. But right now, I feel the need for defense. I can’t hurt like that again. I never hurt that bad in my entire life, and I don’t think I can go through it again. I’ll have to explain it to K, and she is just going to have to understand, or she is just going to have to wait. It’s not like she’s my girlfriend or anything. At the moment we are just talking, and we know that we really like each other, and out personalities really click. I think we are both hoping that something can come out of this.

No, I’m not suddenly going to change my blog from being about M to being about K. This blog is about me, and what’s going on in MY life. My depression, my recovery, my decisions, my issues.

I have to quit smoking. Not because I want to but because of my financial situation, I can’t afford it. I’m on my last pack right now, so by tonight I’ll be finished. Tomorrow is not going to be pretty. At least it’s a Friday, and I can enjoy the fact that the weekend is only a day away. I was thinking about trying those new “electronic cigarettes”. They are suppose to be much less expensive, and a friend of mine actually has the cartridge for it, all I would need to buy are the refills. But right now I don’t even think I can do that. Hopefully things will get better soon.

So, I’m moving on with my life.

Look out world….. here I come!

September 9, 2010

Disposable

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 7:50 am

Dear M,

I guess you have finally even thrown away our friendship. Wednesday night is our night to get together and watch our show and talk. That’s the only time I ever get to see you. You skipped last week, and now you skipped last night. I tried to text you 3 times to see if you were coming, I called, but when you didn’t answer, I thought maybe your phone had been shut off. I called your house to see, but your mom said your phone was fine. So it looks like you’re just throwing me away like yesterday’s trash.

Don’t worry, I won’t contact you anymore. But know that I miss our friendship. Yes, sometimes it was hard seeing you, but I was getting over everything and hoping that we had the kind of friendship that would last. I guess not.

My assumption is that you and X are back together, and just like I told you, she won’t “allow” you to be friends with me. Didn’t you say you would never let her do that? hhmmm….

I knew something was up when you hugged me the last time I saw you. You hugged me so tight and wouldn’t let go. When you finally did there were tears in your eyes. Then as you walked out the door, you turned back and said “Goodbye Joanie”. You never did that before. I should have known them that you wouldn’t be back.

Since you didn’t give me the chance to say goodbye, I thought I would say goodbye here, it’s all I have. So, goodbye M, Have an amazing life and be happy. All I want is for you to be so so happy.

Joanie

August 12, 2010

Meds

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 1:34 pm

I called my doctor yesterday, and begged her to put me back on my meds. I have an appointment on 8/23, but she called in the prescription to get me through til I could get there. I’m taking a generic form of Effexor. I was on this before for a couple years. I forgot about some of the side effects. I’m working through them. I keep running into walls. I miss judge where they are and hit them with my shoulder. And I’m super thirsty, so I drink alot of water, which you would think would help combat the constipation (I know, tmi) but it doesn’t, so I’ll have to do something about that. I’m really hoping this will help me. I can already feel the energy coursing through my veins. That’s part of the med, it gives you some energy. I feel like I can’t sit still. Even sitting here, my legs are bouncing. Too funny, forgot about that part.

My hope is that this will help boost me, give me a little support while I heal.

August 11, 2010

Better

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 10:21 am

I’m doing so much better today.

Yesterday I had my quarterly evaluation by my district manager and exec. It was horrible. I really wish people could understand what depression is and what it does to you. I’ve worked for this company for 10 years, and this is the only time that depression has ever affected my job. I understand that they have a business to run, but you would think with a good track record, that they could help me out a little. 10 years of great service to them, and 6 months of problems. Whatever.

After I left my evaluation, I went to my mom’s. She offered me a glass of wine, and we ended up drinking 2 together. I tend to talk alot when I’m buzzed, so my poor mom got an ear full. She was so good, though. She just sat there and listened to everything I said, and told me “I wish I was one of those wise old women that has the perfect answer for everything, but I’m not, I’m just an old lady. But I’m here to listen to anything you need to talk about.” I couldn’t believe it. She has been so different for that past 6 months or so. So supportive.

When I went home, I drank about another half bottle of wine. Needless to say, I was pretty much trashed.

M came over for our standing Tuesday night date. We watched the finale of Hells Kitchen, and then the new show Masterchef. With that show on, we still have a standing Tuesday night date. (friend date) My buzz wore off after about half the first show, so I don’t think that it really had anything to do with how well things went. While she was there, things were better. I didn’t really feel the longing to be more than her friend. It was just a good time. For the first time in a week, I think I might just make it through this.

I’m in a good place today. I’m not constantly thinking about her, and how I can get her back, or just wallowing in my grief. I’m actually having a good day. My mood is up, and I’m feeling good. I hope this lasts long enough for me to get to the doc, and get back on my meds. I know I need to get back on them, I’ll just have to learn to deal with the side affects.

I made a decision today that I’m going to start planning a cruise for next summer. I didn’t get to take one this year, and I really miss it. Cruising seems to be my relaxation trigger. It’s calming. I love to get off the ship and explore the ports, and see and learn new things, and I also love to be on the ship watching the water go by. I love meeting new people, and just having fun, not worried about life’s issues. I invited my best friend to go with me. She and her husband are going to try to save up to go too. Wow, watch out world, when you get the two of us together, there just may be trouble 🙂

Here’s to hoping this mood lasts for a little bit!!

August 9, 2010

Hurting

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 10:17 am

Dear M

I wish you could understand the hurt. I wish you could understand the pain.

I didn’t hear from you at all yesterday. No calls, no texts. Nothing. I cried on and off all day. B didn’t know what to do. She just sat there with me, watching movies and holding my hand.

You texted me this morning: “I thought maybe a totaly me free day would give you some peace. Did it work?” No, I cried all day. So I asked if you got some peace, and you answered “Guess so, I didn’t really need it.” Of course you didn’t need it. You’ve had time to get use to being without me. This is what YOU wanted, not me, so it’s alot easier for you to get over. To you, things are just as they should be. To me, my world has been torn apart.

Do you remember what it felt like when X broke up with you. When you begged her over and over again, please don’t do this. When you held on with every bit of hope, and cried all the time. When your heart was ripped to shreads? That’s where I am right now. I can’t tell you how many times a day I beg you not to do this. How many times I lay my head on your chest and sob. Of course you don’t know this, because I do it alone.

When we were talking, when you were breaking up with me, you had no emotion. I was losing it, and you just laid there. I think one time I saw a tear. But you didn’t even care about what I was going through. And I can’t understand that. You made me feel like I was being thrown away like yesterday’s trash. Aren’t you even sad? Or are you just that happy to be free of me?

I keep feeling like you want me out of your life completely. I told you our communication, our visits, everything would have to be started by you. But it seems like you want to spend less and less time talking to me and spending time with me. I won’t be X. I won’t be the one that bothers you all the time. But I guess looking back, she wasn’t really bothering you, she was winning you back. Funny, how I do everything you have ever asked me to do, and yet, I’m the one left alone and shattered.

I won’t guilt you, and I won’t manipulate you. That’s not who I am. I wish I could, though. I wish I could keep you constantly thinking about me, so that you could never let go. That way, you would come back to me. But I can’t do that.

I hope that you will be happy in your new life with X. I fear for the day when you come to me as your friend and tell me that you can’t make it work, and that you are hurting. I don’t want you to hurt. But I know that it’s coming someday if you are with her. That’s the nature of that relationship. She gets her way, and you get dragged along.

I realized yesterday that I was just a fling to you. I was your rebound, and you rebound right back to her. Well, you weren’t a fling to me. You were my life. Do you realize that I have spent every waking moment since you got hurt thinking about how to make your pain go away. How to help you. Then what can I do to make us better. How can I hold onto you as I watch you slip away from me. Every moment has been spent wondering how I can save us. Well, now I realize that in your mind, there was never an us. It was always you. You and X. I was just in your way. I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every night since you moved  out. I don’t think you realized just how much you have shattered me.

I’ll never give my whole heart to another person. I don’t think I’ll be able to trust that much again. I have walls built so far up around me, I feel like I can’t even see out, much less let anyone see in.

I’m hurting, and alone.

August 5, 2010

Shattered Heart

Filed under: Uncategorized — justjoanie @ 11:44 am

Well, M, it’s finally over. You finally get what you want. You finally have the freedom to be with X. I’ve known this was coming for a long time, but it just doesn’t make it hurt any less. You are the love of my life. You, for the past 6 1/2 months have been my reason for breathing.

I texted you this morning, and told you that even with the excruciating pain I’m in right now, I would have still chosen to love you. The times we shared together are worth it. YOU are worth it, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

You’ve been trying to breakup with me for a long time. You wanted me to break up with you when you told me you were moving out. You wanted me to break up with you when you asked if I would go on vacation without you. You knew X was going to post that msg and you thought I would break up with me because of it. Sometimes I think you told her to do it. You wanted me to break up with you when you decided not to make love with me anymore, and when you stopped kissing me the way you use to. There have been so many times that I’ve looked into your eyes and known that you were just waiting for me to say I can’t do this anymore.

You’ve never loved me the way you love her. That’s what I don’t understand. Why would you accept my ring if it didn’t mean anything to you? It didn’t mean anything near to you what it did to me. Why did you give me the first ring? YOU gave that to me, and I thought that meant forever. That’s what our rings meant to me, forever.

When you make a commitment to someone, it doesn’t matter what feelings you have somewhere else. You denounce them, you let go, and you do whatever it takes to make your relationship work. But you didn’t love me enough to do that. You didn’t love me enough to think about my feelings. You didn’t love me enough.

When I woke up at 3 this morning, I never went back to sleep. I couldn’t, I was struck with the realization that I’ll never get to sleep in your arms again. I guess our last night together was in the hotel on vacation.

I wish we could make love with each other just one more time. You were in so much pain the last time that neither of us could really enjoy it.

My heart has been shattered. I found my heart in the parking lot of Walmart when I knew I was going to fall in love with you. I lost it in front of my nail place when I knew you were going to leave me. I found it again, a little battered, on hwy 27 in the middle of a traffic jam, and lost it again sitting on my bed texting you, knowing that it was over.

A question: Why, the first time you left me, did you make love with me first and give me hope for the future? Do you know what that was like? I thought you were going to leave me, then you made love with me, and put on your jammies like you were staying. Then devastated my world when you walked out.

I will never trust anyone fully with my heart again. I don’t think I will ever be able to love with my whole heart, I don’t have a whole heart to give. It’s been shattered, and I don’t know how to put it back together, I don’t think it can be repaired.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t anyone just love me? Am I the only person on this earth that understands faithful commitment? Something has to be wrong with ME. I’m the common denominator in these failed relationships. I’m the common denominator that can’t have someone love me and only me. what’s wrong with me??

I told you, and god I hope you remember, that if you wake up one morning, and wonder what the hell you were thinking. If you wake up and realize that it was a mistake, I will take you back in a heartbeat. I KNOW what we are suppose to be. I will ALWAYS want you back, I will ALWAYS love you. YOU are the love of my life.

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